The Life and Times of Bob Narley

Issam Awad

2007-08-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

I saw the coolest web videos the other day.
This amazing doctor named Dr. Issam Awad has this website where you can actually see video's of his surgery. Since he is a brain surgeon, you can only imagine how amazing this is.
Check out the Dr. Issam Awad website: http://www.issamawad.com

Down 50 Pounds

2006-05-19T17:52:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since my last post.. a long while.
The reason for the long delay has been my recent mega visits to local and regional hospitals.
For some reason, unknown to doctors, I have lost over 50 pounds. I have dieted, excersised, or anything. Mind you, many people would just love to loose 50 pounds, and I can't deny that I could have easily lost about 20 pounds worth of Italian Beef sandwiches and Large Fries. Unfortunately, my weight loss wasn't the good kind.

Along with the weightloss came a back ache. At first it was minor, similiar to bad posture or from riding the harley all day. Then it got worse, a lot worse. In fact, it got so bad that I ended up in the emergancy room.

The pain continued 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It didn't matter what position I was in or what I was doing. It always hurt... Bad.

Eventually, the pain was crippling. The doctors did their expensive tests, CT scans, X-Rays, all with no result. Months went by and who knows how many thousands of dollars.

Finally, as a last attempt to at least relieve my pain, I was sent to a pain specialist. He was very concerned about my weightloss, no doubt because I resembled an anorexic etheopian. The good news was he had a treatment that "might help, might not, might only work for a week, might work for a month, might fix it". Not exactly promissing words from a specialist, however at this point I was more than ready to try anything.

So, I laid on the operating table under an x-ray machine. The doctor took out these needles that had to be 8 inches long and proceeded to stick them into my spine. Wow! That was just a little intense. I could actually watch that long dagger penetrating my skin and going into my spine by viewing the X-Ray monitor.

Well, today I feel much better. The procedure took longer than they said it would, however eventually it did numb the pain. Heck, I have even gained 3 pounds, bringing my weight up to a whopping 163 pounds. I'm huge!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T16:59:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.
Right now I'm sitting in the WLUP control room. MY stomach full of excellent turkey and way too many cans of classic coke.
Life's good.
I guess that if you have to work on a holiday, playing great rock for all of Chicago is not so bad. Not so bad at all.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

The Countdown to 40

2005-11-01T07:59:00.000-06:00

On November 19th, believe it or not, I’m going to turn 40. 40! Man, that’s crazy. 40. Just the sound of it makes my kidneys hurt. 40. I guess I’ll finally have an age appropriate for my hair color. Only 19 days until I’m 40. The countdown has begun.

I use to think that turning 40 was a lot like dying. It seemed to me that when somebody would turn 40 that they have surrendered their dreams and were all pretty much just working for the man. You know what I mean; being 40 was a lot like having nothing to look forward too, at least that’s what I use to think.

As I sit here starring down the barrel of this landmark event I realize how mistaken I really was. I have so much going on over the next few months that it would be impossible for me to even suggest that I had nothing to look forward too. I have opportunities coming out of the woodwork every day. New avenues are opening up for my career, my music, my comedy productions, so much so that I hardly have the time to keep up with it all. There is truly nothing about my life that is settling down.

So, in 19 days I’ll turn 40. There won’t be any big parties or crazy gag gifts. I’m not going to run out and join a gym, although I probably should. The news paper won’t print the headline “Oh My God, He Made it to 40!” The reality of this situation is that I will most likely go to dinner with my wife and maybe catch a movie. My daughters will call and tell me about their latest boyfriend at school while my mother denies the whole event as a bureaucratic mistake regarding my birth date. She’s been 29 forever. Some of my friends will call and chuckle as they remark about why they thought I would never have made it, sighting specific examples from my past that I would rather not remember. At the end of the day I’ll chew up a handful of Rolaids, stair at my head full of grey hair, hang my wedding band on my Harley Davidson watch stand, and climb into bed.

Being 40 isn’t really so bad, it just stings a little when you say it.

Congratulations Chicago White Sox! World Series Champions 2005!

2005-10-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

What a series! What a team!

Congratulations to the Chicago White Sox!

World Series Champions, October 26th, 2005

88 Years later, and a 1-0 victory against the Houston Astros has ignited one of the wildest celebrations this town has ever seen, as the Chicago White Sox proudly claim their first World Series title since 1917.

Thanks guys! Thank you very much!

Xbox 360 and Xbox Game Review

2005-10-26T16:35:00.000-05:00

I’m very pleased to announce my latest website http://xbox-game-review.com/.

Thanks to some great search engine positions, listed as #3 on Yahoo for Xbox Game Review, and high subscription rates, I have decided to take my Xbox 360 and Xbox Game Review Blog to the next level.

The new website features all of the same great Xbox game reviews, hints, cheats, and walk-throughs, plus many more features. Bob Narleys Xbox 360 and Xbox Game Review has all of the latest Xbox news from around the globe, updated automatically every hour. Along with the usual news and tips, we have a forum where members are encouraged to share their tips and reviews.

If your an Xbox fan, I hope that you will join us at http://xbox-game-review.com/ and help make it one of the largest free resources for Xbox Game Reviews for the Xbox and the Xbox 360.

Johnny B. Back on The Loop

2005-10-24T20:48:00.000-05:00

JOHNNY B. BACK ON THE LOOP
Brandmeier Morning Show to return to Chicago on WLUP

Jonathon Brandmeier is returning to the station and show he is synonymous with, Mornings on The Loop (WLUP 97.9FM). “Johnny B.” was previously heard on WLUP from 1983-1997.

Brandmeier has received multiple awards, including Radio’s highest honor; the Marconi Award for Major Market Air Personality of the Year from the National Association of Broadcasters. He is also the recipient of several Billboard Magazine Radio Personality Awards and was named one of Talker Magazine’s “100 Most Important Radio Hosts in America.” Locally he was consistently voted as a favorite in numerous reader polls.

WLUP Vice-President/General Manager Marv Nyren commented, “When Emmis assumed ownership of WLUP late last year, job one was to recruit a morning show that would return The Loop to prominence. After considering well over 500 personalities from across the country, we went the route Loop listeners led us to in the first place and brought Johnny B. back.”

WLUP Program Director Tim Dukes added, “The Loop” hasn’t been “The Loop” since Johnny left. He is the single most important Chicago air personality in the last 20 years and we’re ecstatic to have him back home again.”

Brandmeier will make his return within 2 weeks on The Loop, with a newly assembled morning team, and be heard Monday through Friday 6a-10a. A follow-up release will be sent once an exact start date has been determined.

31 Years of Guitar

2005-10-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

I was taking a survey today for Fender. I guess I’m on their list for some reason. Anyways, as they are asking all these questions about what guitars I own, and what I think of their brand, they asked how long I had been playing guitar. So, in my head I quickly put 24 years, thinking “wow, I’ve been playing a long time”.

The next questions were a little redundant, “How old where you when you started playing guitar?” I squinted my eyes and started doing the math. Well, I was in 4th grade, I was 17 when I graduated high school.. so… ah.. mmm.. 9! I was 9.

Wait a minute, if I was 9, then… Brain starts to fizzle, smoke, squeaks, a few pops.

Holy shit! I’ve been playing guitar for 31 years! Wow, that’s a long time.

For some odd reason, in my head I’ve been playing for only 24 years. I think that is because the last time I sat down and counted how long I have been playing, that’s how long I had been playing. I’m such a dork sometimes. O.k. maybe most of the time.

31 years as a guitarist. I feel like I missed an anniversary or something. Shouldn’t somebody send me a watch or something?

I guess the truth is, after 20 years it all kinds of blends together.

I can remember my parents taking me into Consolidated Music of Barrington to get a musical instrument. At the time, I didn’t even want a guitar. I thought they were ugly and I hated the fact that everybody in the world seemed to play guitar. I wanted a trumpet. I had seen Dizzy Gillespie play and I liked the way his cheeks puffed out. My music teacher at St. Anne’s was best friends with Doc Watson, and Doc had stopped by to meet the class one day. I was like, “Man, I want to do that!”

Needless to say, I was really bummed when my parents started talking to the sales person about a “cheap guitar’. They picked up some small sized acoustic guitar and the sales girl showed me a C Chord. My parents paid $35 and the store threw in a plastic bag to carry it around in. I hated it. What did I know; I was just a stupid cocky 9 year-old.

I went to 3 lessons at the store and was really frustrated that they would only teach me 3 notes a week. I thought it was some scam to drag out the boring process. I told my parents what I thought, and I’m sure they thought “See, I told you he wasn’t going to stick with it”. So I quit lessons and instead of paying for my last lesson I bought a John Denver song book. John Denver!?!?!?! Wow.

So, I began teaching myself how to play. The song book had all the basic chords listed in the front with pictures on how to play them. My mom had taught me to read music years before, so I quickly put it all together. Within a day I was playing songs.

That was 31 years ago. Learning guitar was probably the smartest move I ever made. Even when I was broke and bored I could always pick up my trusty guitar and play some music for entertainment. Playing the guitar has opened so many doors for me over the years I couldn’t even begin to list them all. I’ve played concerts with Korn and Joe Satriani, and walked out on stage to crowds of over 15,000 people. What more can you ask for? I guess I owe my mom yet another apology, and a serious thank you.

Every year I pick up a new instrument and begin the process of teaching myself how to play. Some I pick up right away and get pretty good quick, others I suck at no matter how long it takes, like the Violin, I suck at it. My theory is, time keeps going by and before I know it I’ll be writing down, “wow, I can’t believe I have been playing Violin for 10 years”.

Take some advice. Learn to play an instrument. If you have kids, start them on lessons right now. It’s one of those rare gifts that pays off for a whole lifetime.

MuDvayNe "Masters of Horror" Tour Dates on Pre-Sale Today @ 4 PM

2005-10-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I love MuDvAyNe and highly reccomend checking them out live. They always throw a great show.

The guys keep me up to date on the tours and always give me the inside track on Pre-Sale tickets. I'll be going to the show at the Congress Theater and at the Peoria Convention Center. Hope I see you there.

Here is the latest info.

MASTERS OF HORROR TOUR DATES ON PRE-SALE TODAY @ 4PM LOCAL TIME:
18 Nov Des Moines, IA Val Air Ballroom Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
19 Nov Omaha, NB Sokel Auditorium Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
20 Nov Springfield, MO Oasis Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
22 Nov Chicago, IL Congress Theater Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
23 Nov Peoria, IL East Peoria Convention Center Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
25 Nov Indianapolis, IN Egyptian Room Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
29 Nov Niagara Falls, NY Dome Theatre Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
30 Nov New York, NY Nokia Theater Get Tix username: mudvayne / password: april12
14 Dec Lake Buena Vista, FL House of Blues Orlando Get Tix password: april12

A Fall Ride on my Harley Davidson

2005-10-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

Fall is by far my favorite time of year, and the one season that I really missed while living and working down in Florida for 15 years. As I look out my window, all the trees in my neighborhood have started to change color. Yellows and reds form a cool canopy over the roadways and I would be a fool not take my Harley Davidson out for a cruise.

So, today I will take a little break from working on a voice over demo, jump on my freshly waxed 2003 Silver and Black Harley Davidson Fat Boy, and go for a long ride through the winding hills and roads that surround my house.

Sometimes, it’s very good to be the Bob.

Over the weekend, I was in a discussion with a fellow rock jock about riding my Harley Davidson downtown.

He said, “Damn man, you really do live the rock lifestyle”.

You know, I guess he’s right. I spend most of my day working in a production studio down in the basement of my house. I practice my guitar at least 2 or 3 hours every day. I work for the best damn rock station in the country, playing the best new and classic rock for all of Chicago. On Saturdays, I rehearse for my new gig playing my guitar and doing live improvisational musical comedy with one of the most creative groups in all of Chicago. For fun, I jump on a Harley Davidson Fat Boy and go for a ride through the hills of Northern Illinois. Hell, I don’t even own a car.

If you were to take all of my possessions and put them in one room you would have; 10 guitars, a Marshall Stack, a Bass, a Banjo, a Violin, a native American Indian Flute, some keyboards, mixing boards, 2 computers, 6 microphones, boxes and boxes of old records and CD’s, 3 Video Game Systems, Snowboard Gear, a Jet Ski, and mini Tunnel Hull Race Boat, tons of old sci-fi toys, and a pile of blue jeans and t-shirts, 3 leather jackets, and my Harley Davidson. I’m almost always broke, I don’t have any investments, any retirement funds or 401K, and my credit card debt is through the roof.

I’m not a rich man by any means; however I have a beautiful wife and family, the best friends a guy could ever hope for, and a fun life. I get to do a job I love while using my creative talents. I’ve made millions of people laugh over the years and enjoyed every minute of it. I’m not sure how other people think of success, but for me, I couldn’t have asked for better.

So today I will take my Harley Davidson out for a long cruise through the multi-colored countryside of my hometown. I have exactly 75 cents in my pocket. I wouldn’t trade my life for a million dollars.

Judas Priest Tour Dates

2005-10-17T21:34:00.000-05:00

Here are the latest Judas Priest Tour Dates for North America

NORTH AMERICAN TOUR DATES ARE UNDERWAY AND ROCKING!
Here are the latest:
10/18/05 WINNIPEG, CANADA MTS CENTRE
10/20/05 EDMONTON, CANADA REXALL CENTRE
10/21/05 CALGARY, CANADA PENGROWTH SADDLE DOME
10/23/05 VANCOUVER, BC, CANADA PNE PACIFIC COLISEUM
10/24/05 VERNON, CANADA VERNON MULTIPLEX
10/26/05 SALT LAKE CITY, UT "E" CENTER
10/28/05 KELSEYVILLE, CA KONOCTI HARBOR RESORT & SPA
10/29/05 SAN DIEGO, CA SAN DIEGO SPORTS ARENA, ARENA
10/30/05 LOS ANGELES, CA LONG BEACH ARENA

MUDVAYNE "Masters of Horror" Tour Dates

2005-10-17T21:28:00.000-05:00

MUDVAYNE ON TOUR
The Masters of Horror Tour is kicking off November 18th.
The line-up is Mudvayne, Sevendust, 10 Years and Bobaflex.
Here are the confirmed dates:
18 Nov Des Moines, IA - Val Air Ballroom
19 Nov Omaha, NB - Sokel Auditorium
20 Nov Springfield, MO - Oasis
22 Nov Chicago, IL - Congress Theater
23 Nov Peoria, IL - East Peoria Convention Center
25 Nov Indianapolis, IN - Egyptian Room
30 Nov New York, NY - Nokia Theater
11 Dec Denver, CO - The Fillmore (KBPI Radio Show)
14 Dec Orlando, FL - House of Blues (WJRR Radio Show)

The tour ends December 20th and will also hit the following markets:Grand Rapids, MI; Detroit, MI; Binghamton, NY; Portland, ME; Atlantic City, NJ; Providence, RI; Sayerville, NJ; Columbus, OH; Wichita, KS; Kansas City, MO; Atlanta, GA; Miami, FL; San Antonio, TX; Dallas, TX; and Oklahoma City, OK

Stay tuned for pre-sale information.

CHECK OUT THE "FORGET TO REMEMBER"/SAW II VIDEO PREMIERE!Watch it now on MTV2, and catch it on Headbanger's Ball this Saturday, 10/22, at 10pm.

The One Year Anniversary of my Blog

2005-10-16T10:51:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe it, I have been writing this Blog for a year now. Man, time flies like crazy.

A very good friend of mine, production guru and fellow Irishmen Kevin Dunn, once said to me “If you can do something for a year, you will do it for life”. Of course, at the time we were not talking about Blog’s we were actually talking about my new Kayak, however I think it still applies.

It’s amazing to look back at my first entry and see how far I have come in the last year.

October 11th, 2004 – Lets Get it Started

“..Anybody thinking that this industry is a good idea should be subject to an immediate lobotomy.

I'm going to post information about my progress in this crazy career, as well as some insight into the creative process, all in the hope that I might read it again at a later date and realize that it's time to get a real job.

…Now it's time for me to get started on my new demo.”

One year ago I had just moved back to my hometown of Barrington Illinois, 40 miles outside of Chicago. I had quit a perfectly good radio gig where I had great ratings and a huge following in order to follow my dream of working in Chicago radio. It was a HUGE gamble.

I had a hell of time working on that demo that I started that day. I quickly realized that the content rich radio show that I performed in SW Florida would not work or be as welcome here in Chicago. Hundreds of hours of editing and listening finally paid off, and I did get the job I gambled for, and even scored it with the very station that I moved all this way to work for, WLUP The Loop. One year later and this afternoon I will take the METRA train downtown to do my 6 hour weekend shift in Chicago radio. How cool is that?

Saturday, November 13, 2004 - PODCASTING AND THE FUTURE OF ON DEMAND AUDIO

Thanks to my long time friend and Apple Computer fanatic Neil, I was informed about Podcasting from the very start. It seemed like an absolutely excellent idea to me and I began production of my first comedy Podcast which wasn’t launched until December 13th. At the time, Adam Curry and I were the only two professional broadcasters using the medium for our shows. Today, Podcasting is huge, scaring the hell out of broadcasters and adopted by millions of listeners from all over the globe.

One year later and my Podcasts are already the most listened to audio on my website. I receive positive emails about the shows everyday from listeners from as far away as Scotland and even Australia. My wife doesn’t understand why I do it as I have never made a damn dollar from it, but I know why I do it, because it’s fun and FCC FREE! Fuck the FCC!

To listen or subscribe to my popular The Bob Narley Show Podcast – Click Here

Wednesday, December 08, 2004 – Second City

“..Last night I completed my first level of classes at the famous Second City here in Chicago. The whole experience has been just fantastic! I can't wait for the next level to begin in January.”

I had actually started taking my first Second City Improv class in October. My old radio partner Puck had suggested it to me as a good idea. Boy, was he right! The whole experience was nothing short of amazing. I would highly recommend it to anybody, especially radio personalities.

A year later and not only did I graduate from that Second City class, but I was offered a position by my teacher to perform with his pretigeious and well respected comedy improv group “The Cupid Players”. I will be starting rehearsals with these amazing artists in November and will begin performances on the main stage at Improv Olympic in December. From the school to the Improv Olympic Main Stage in one year. I couldn’t be more honored to work with such a talented group of performers. I only hope I can keep up.

It’s amazing how much can happen in a year. I took a lot of gambles and worked super hard twords all of my goals. I tried some new ideas and was lucky enough to have had them all pay off in one way or another. Sure, I’m broke, my credit card debt is near $60,000 and.. er .. um.. Shit! I’m Broke and have $60,000 in credit card debt!! Fuck! O well, at least I’ve accomplished some of my goals. Maybe my new goal should be to pay off those damn credit cards.

Like I said in my first post “..Anybody thinking that this industry is a good idea should be subject to an immediate lobotomy.”

My First Paycheck from The Loop

2005-10-16T00:05:00.000-05:00

Today, my first paycheck from The Loop arrived in the mail. Man, it was great to see a paycheck with the WLUP logo on it. I really felt like one of my long term goals was accomplished.

I remember 3 years ago when our radio consultant asked me what my goals were. You know the old 5 year and 10 year plan question.

I remember saying, “well, I just completed my 5 year goal. That was hosting my own morning show. My 10 year goal is to be doing radio in Chicago, preferably on WLUP.”

The weirdest part about working at The Loop, for me, is that I feel like a gunfighter who is not allowed to use his guns. I mean, in Florida I’m very well known as Bob Narley. I had an excellent ratings record beating out both syndicated and local shows. I was known for my very active phones, comedy productions, parody songs, comedy songs, parody commercials, bits and stunts. My whole career was all about doing a very “morning show” type format with lots of great content. Program directors knew who I was and what I would deliver. Almost every promotion was centered around my show. Every caller knew exactly who I was. Now, at The Loop, it’s just the opposite.

I’m not Bob Narley, I’m just the temporary fill-in guy. This is all new to me. I must admit having a very hard time adapting. It’s very awkward for me to go on the microphone and NOT say that this is The Bob Narley Show, and we have this and that coming up and here is a new parody song, and in the 4 o’clock hour we are doing Electrocution Karaoke, and in 15 minutes I have Metallica tickets. Instead, it’s all “that was Aerosmith, this is Led Zeppelin, another 10 in a row, funny thing happened to me on the way into the station, how bout them sox”. I feel like I am deprogramming myself. It’s very difficult. In many ways I feel like a rookie all over again.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the opportunity and fully respect the direction of the radio station. Not to mention that I have totally gained a whole new respect for the weekend guys and their position. For the first time in my 15 year radio career, I’m the low man on the totem poll, and that’s o.k.

True, I do miss doing The Bob Narley Show, and all the craziness that went along with it; however I wouldn’t miss this experience for the world. I’m very happy to be working with such a talented group of people, and on my favorite radio station, even if it is as the lowest man on the WLUP totem poll. At least there is nowhere to go but up. I hope.

You know, the hardest part is not saying “I’m Bob Narley”.
The 2nd hardest part is not hearing the callers say “Hello Bob..”

So, it’s a challenge. How to be entertaining in 15 seconds? It’s an excellent learning experience, and I couldn’t have asked for a better crew to learn from.

My Diploma from Second City

2005-10-08T17:55:00.000-05:00

The day from hell has passed and in my hands is the diploma from Second City. It’s hard to believe that it was a year ago that I enrolled in the school at Second City. Man, how time flies. As happy as I am about finishing the course, I still feel very sad that I will no longer be attending the Tuesday night class with my good friends and classmates.

Today didn’t start this morning, it started yesterday morning. I’ve now been awake for well over 36 hours. This is the price you pay for working in the arts. Let this be a lesson to those who happen to read these words. You will never stop paying the dues. Never.

I knew what lay ahead of me was going to be a massive strain on the mind and body.

First, I'm up at 6:30 am Friday morning and I had a whole day of audio production and show prep. I spend all of the morning and afternoon producing new music beds for my shift at WLUP. It seems that my trusty old assortment of odd movie themes and instrumentals doesn’t fit the classic rock sound of The Loop. In between productions I scanned the local newspapers and online sources for anything that could work as content for the broadcast.

At 10:00 pm Friday Night I took an hour long drive into downtown Chicago. Next, a 7 hour live broadcast starting at 12:00 am Saturday morning. I was back on the road by 7:30 am and taking the long drive back to my house in the suburbs. I’ve been officially awake for over 24 hours and I’m not done yet

Home by 8:30 am. Boy, was my wife worried, I looked like the walking dead. I took a joyous hot shower, changed into my dress clothes for my final class performance at Second City. I even had a few minutes to lie on the bed and try and trick my body into thinking I was waking up. Didn’t work.

10:15 am Saturday morning. I loaded up the wife and mother-in-law into the SUV and started the hour drive back downtown to Second City.

11:15 am Saturday morning. We arrived at Second City. I kissed the wife goodbye and joined my classmates for a pre-show warm up and review of our set. The whole class was super excited and full of all that great energy that can only come from this type of work. I was awake, but the sleep depravation blanketed my thought process like a bottle full of Prozac.

12:00 Saturday afternoon. The class and I make our way to the Second City etc. stage. Family and friends are waiting outside the entrance anticipating the upcoming show. Backstage is cluttered with the bazaar odds and ends that you would expect to find in some theater basement. Wigs, Hats, graffiti, a small dorm room fridge, and even an old couch make the backstage area seem more like a party hut than a theater. It feels cool to be there. Everyone is super excited. A crappy tv allows the backstage area to monitor the onstage happenings in black and white. It looks like a public access tv show.

12:15 Our fabulous teacher and all around cool guy Brian Posen gives us some words of wisdom and heads off to start the show. We could hear the talking of the crowd in the theater. Everyone’s nervous energy is causing some seriously bad jokes to fly around as we wait for the final cue. My good friend Chris takes the moment to tell everyone how much he has enjoyed taking the class with them. He’s a great guy. We all feel the same way.

12:30 The music starts, the lights flash, and we head out to the stage. For the next 45 minutes we put our skills on the line and try our best. I was so impressed with everyone’s performance.

1:30 We meet outside the theater where a huge crowd has gathered to talk to the performers. Lots of smiles and pats on the back. Most of my classmates decide to meet across the street for one last beer. Unfortunately, I have to drive back to the burbs in order to pick up my wife’s son from the babysitter. There is no time for one last goodbye. I meet my classmate Patrick walking down the street towards the bar. He did a fantastic job and I tell him so. He asks if I will be trying out for the conservatory program in November.

1:45 Were back in the SUV and driving towards the highway down crowded North Avenue. Some jackass in a small black Honda rear ends us a block from the entrance ramp. I could hear the crunch as the truck shook. The vein in my wife’s forehead reaches epic proportions as it pumps enough blood to power a nuclear generator. Nice. Luckily for us, the dork’s ultra low ride hit us square in the small trailer hitch under the bumper, driving a perfectly square hole through his front bumper and hood. We didn’t even chip paint.

2:00 Back in the car and heading twords home.

3:00 We hit mcdonalds so I can get a nutritious meal, the first time I have eaten in almost 20 hours. We picked up the boy and headed back to the house to unwind.

5:38 pm Saturday October 8, 2005 I’m sitting in my downstairs production studio in a ripped up pair of jeans and an old blue Nike hooded sweatshirt. Upstairs my wife is spending the last hour with her mom before we have to drive her to O’Hair Airport in order to catch her flight back to South Africa.

I’ve been awake now for over 36 hours. I did a 7 hour live radio broadcast and an hour long Second City Improv show. I drove several hundred miles and I’m still not done yet. I have a folded dollar bill in old black wallet and a few quarters in my jeans pocket. I’m broke as shit. This is the reality of show business. I love it.

Facing me on my desk is the diploma from Second City. On my other computer monitor is a grainy color picture I took of all my classmates with my cell phone camera. This has been a great day. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

October is Lupus Awareness Month

2005-10-07T12:28:00.000-05:00

More people have Lupus than AIDS, cerebral palsy, multiple sclerosis, sickle-cell anemia and cystic fibrosis... combined.

About 1.5-2 million people in the US alone. That's about 10x as many as there are Breast Cancer patients.

Someone YOU know has Lupus, please research, pray, meditate whatever it is you do and remember there still is no cure and treatments that we do have can be just as harmful as the disease itself. There is a lot to read up on...if you find yourself bored, do so.

A little info never hurt anyone... please pass this on. Lupus deserves just as much attention from the media as any other disease we hear about daily

Lupus Foundation of America, Inc.www.lupus.org2000 L Street, N.W., Suite 710 Washington, DC 20036 Phone 202-349-1155 Fax 202-349-1156 Contact Us

WLUP Speculation

2005-10-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

I have received many emails from old listeners and new friends congratulating me on my new gig at The Loop. Thanks so much guys, I really appreciate it.

It seems that there is a lot of speculation going on as to what the deal is with my new gig. Honestly, it’s nothing more than a part-time/fill-in gig, and nothing more. Sure, I would love to score a full-time gig at WLUP. Who wouldn’t? It’s a great station with a prestigious history full of talented radio personalities. For now, I’m looking forward to helping out in any way that I can. It feels great to be a part of such a creative and hard working team.

Second City Graduation

2005-10-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe it has already been year since I started taking classes at the world famous Second City and this Saturday I will graduate with my final class performance at Second City etc.

Tonight was our last official class and while we all intensely focused on our set I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that this experience is coming to an end. Everybody in my class has been nothing short of amazing. I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive and talented group of people. I’ll miss our Tuesday night class immensely.

Friday night I drive into the city to perform another 7 hour radio shift on The Loop, and then I drive home for 2 hours, and then back into the city for my final show with the class. It’s going to be grueling, but way fun.

WLUP The Loop

2005-10-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

It always feels great when you accomplish a goal, especially when it’s a life long goal. To me, working at WLUP “The Loop,” here in Chicago, has always been one of the goals. It was the very reason that I started a career in radio almost 15 years ago.

Of course, scoring a radio gig in market #3 is not an easy task. Most of us radio guys are forced to move to another market and pay our dues as we learn the business through the school of hard knocks. I moved to Tampa Florida for that very reason and was lucky enough to score my first gig doing mornings on the infamous WXTB 98Rock back in 1991.

I remember it well; a very creative and talented morning show host by the name of Seabass said to me, “How would you like to work in radio?” I said, “Hell Yeah!” Seabass replied with “Great! You’re Bob Narley.” And so it began.

Saturday, October 1st, 2005 was a great day. Maybe I should say it was a great morning. Because at 12:00 a.m., I cracked the microphone on The Loop and did my first shift on WLUP, the very station I grew up listening to. Goal accomplished.

FHM gives The Bob Narley Show 5 Stars!

2005-09-19T21:02:00.000-05:00

I love a good review, so please excuse me if I brag a little.
One of my favorite magazines, FHM, has awarded The Bob Narley Show with it's highest rating; 5 Stars.

"A great blend of music and bizarre content."

Thanks FHM, I couldn't have put it better myself.

If you can make them laugh..

2005-09-19T20:45:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a fellow student from Second City today and he told me a story about his boss. We were discussing live performances and the people who can simply walk into a room and automatically start entertaining a crowd. He mentioned that his boss could never stay mad at him, no matter what he did wrong. The reason his boss gave made complete sense. “I can never stay mad at anybody who makes me laugh.”

You know, I thought, damn that’s right. It’s easy to forgive those who make us laugh.

POT: Cannabis isn't as harmless as suggested

2005-09-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

My wife and I often debate on the harmlessness of marijuana. Today, I found this information fixed to my studio monitor.

From USA WEEKEND Sept. 16-18, 2005

Cannabis is the most widely used illicit drug in the United States. Two recent studies show that cannabis damages the vessels in your brain by constricting blood flow - putting you at risk for stroke.

It makes no difference whether you smoke it, eat it or take a pill. The active ingredient tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) is the culprit. The stronger it's concetration - ranging from 1% in some herbal preparations to 65% in some hashish oils - the greater the danger.

Long-term and heavy users are at risk.

Cannabis has long been associated with harmful changes in the brain; now sophoisticated medical tools can pinpoint them. One study demonstrates that impairment of the brain's blood flow persists for at least a month after the last high. This eventually can lead to a stroke and its resulting paralysis, and problems with vision, memory and speech.

well....

I'm at a loss for an argument. anybody?

Hello Chicago Radio - The New Gig!

2005-09-16T08:33:00.000-05:00

I'm very excited to say that I have been offered a gig in Chicago Radio, and of course I quickly accepted it.

I wish I could say more. Time will tell the tale.

I'm really looking forward to doing radio in my hometown, and welcome the opportunity that has been presented to me.

It looks like the most exciting chapter of my radio career has yet to be written.
I couldn't be more pleased.

What a great day!

Hello Chicago!

Bubba The Love Sponge on SIRIUS

2005-09-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

Fans of my show are most likely familiar with Todd “Bubba the Love Sponge” Clem, and our strange history. Today I have some news about my old adversary and fellow broadcaster. Howard Stern announced on Friday (9/9) that Bubba the Love Sponge will be the first big-name hire for his SIRIUS SASTELLITE RADIO channels. “When somebody gets so screwed over by the government,” Stern Said, obviously referring to Bubba’s firing by Clear Channel, “it sickens me.”

You may remember that Bubba was fired from 98Rock and the rest of the Clear Channel family, as well as, all of his syndication deals after the FCC slapped him with a fine so massive that his head spun around and he hasn’t worked in radio since. POW.

Truth be told, I’m not a fan of Bubba the Love Sponge, however I do admire the creative talents that previously worked alongside of him. Specifically, I’m talking about Manson, who also performed the popular character voice of “Ned” on the show. Will Bubba be able to bring these talents with him to SIRIUS? They have all moved on to have their own radio careers now, will they want to give that all up to work with Bubba? Maybe? Who knows?

The big question is how successful will Howard Stern be on SIRIUS? And how successful will his “channels” be?

In my opinion it’s crucial that Bubba be able to hire Manson back on to the team. Without Manson, I’m afraid Bubba’s show will seem week, and given the limited audience of Satellite Radio, a week show will not last long, no matter who is backing it.

My thoughts on Satellite radio are that it might be a technology that will become obsolete even before it reaches enough popularity to be profitable. 5 million portable iPod type MP3 players will ship this year, and Podcasting is only gaining momentum. Take into consideration that 650 Million cell phones will ship this year. What will happen when the common cell phone can store enough audio to say “Download your favorite Podcast” for the day?

My cell phone can already download and store over 1 gig worth of audio, however it is in the minority. Verizon and Sprint are already advertising their latest phone releases that incorporate the ability to store audio.

I still believe that “On Demand” audio is the future of what was called broadcasting, and that the personalities that can adapt to this technology will ride the wave to financial reward and notoriety.

So, what of Bubba? Who Cares? He’s lucky to get a Satellite gig, and while I would never wish the FCC to crack down on any DJ in the way that they did to him, I truly believe it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Karma’s a bitch. I honestly wish him the best of success. Maybe Satellite will offer him the venue he needs to talk more about Hulk Hogan while sucking snot through his nose and gasping for air over the microphone.

Hurricane Katrina Victims - Let's Throw Them Money

2005-09-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

I can’t say enough about how sympathetic I feel about the many unfortunate survivors of hurricane Katrina. It truly is a horrible tragedy.

With that said; America has once again risen to the occasion and started sending aid and relief money to the victims. At least this time it’s for residents of our own country who might even appreciate it. U-Haul’s from churches and generous companies, filled to the hilt with supplies and old clothes are making the journey to the Deep South to try and re-supply those who decided that a category 5 hurricane was nothing to worry about when living in a coastal city below sea level.

Am I the only kid whose parents told them the fairy tale about The Three Little Pigs?

O.K., I should be fair. New Orleans and the surrounding area is a heaven for the poor and underprivileged, many of whom could not afford to leave their homes even if they were lucky enough to own a car. That city has been dying a slow mournful death for years, and many of the remaining residents live in a state of total poverty. I have personally lived in a similar situation and fully understand the position that many of those families were in. Fair enough.

So, now what?

FEMA, in all its wisdom, decided to start handing out CASH in the form of debit cards. Already, there have been two separate reports of these debit cards being used to purchase Gucci handbags.

Are we really surprised?

If handing cash over to the poor and underprivileged solved any problem, then welfare would actually work. The logic of giving cash to the majority of these people boarders on insane. Leave it to our government to think this problem can be solved by throwing money at it.

OK, OK, I’m bitching away like the Wednesday morning meeting of the Junior Women’s Club. I can’t help it, I’m pissed off, because I know damn well that this ridiculous waste of CASH money is going to come out of our pockets.

How about a solution?

Yeah, I got one. One word, one answer! EDUCATION

Education, I honestly believe it to be the answer. Let’s see, we can either start relocating all these poor families to other cities, where they will live tax free, draining our limited resources and milking this crisis for all it’s worth. It seems like it’s already worth a Gucci handbag. OR…..

Or.. we can take this cash money we are throwing at them and use it to EDUCATE these people.

Teach them new trades.
Educate them on how to balance a checkbook and live on a budget.
Teach them how to file and pay their taxes.
Educate them about the danger of living below sea level, especially in a coastal city.
Teach them about the destructive force of hurricanes.
Educate them on what a LOAN is.

O shit, did I say that. A loan?

That’s right; I believe that all this CASH relief should be a LOAN. Make them pay it back, even if it’s only at $25 a month. Make them pay it back.

What, it’s a year later and you’re still unemployed? Then I got a great job for them. Here is a bucket and a mop. You see that city over there? You clean it up.

Do I sound too harsh? Should I still be crying about the horrible tragedy of it all? Maybe.

Yes, feed the hungry. Help the children. Comfort the elderly. Stabilize the situation.
And then…
Stop throwing our cash around, and use our countries resources for a REAL solution.

Educate these people and teach them to help themselves.

Every survivor who is able, every man and woman who is old enough to work and help out, all of them should be the first in line to pay it all back. That’s right! Earn it!

Is their life ruined? Do they need a fresh start? Fair enough, I welcome every survivor with open arms and a stern eye. I’ll help, if you will learn to help yourself. I will feed your children, if you promise to learn a new trade and get a new job and lean to feed them yourself. You can ride with me to work in the morning, if you promise to work hard all day and bring home a paycheck.

I believe that there are many honorable, decent people who have been profoundly hurt in this horrible tragedy, and they all need our help. I believe that many of these people would rather this never happened that be forced into the position of relying on others generosity. I believe that these people truly appreciate our support and are grateful for the amazing response of our nation. I believe these people will be the first to get back on their feet and rebuild their lives and resume the role of honest caring Americans in our society. I also believe that these people will be the fist to pay back the loan, and they will do so gladly, thankful for the opportunity.

Unfortunately, I also believe that there are far too many people, right now, who will ride out the generosity so graciously offered by the American people, sucking every nickel and dime from this, for as long as they possibly can. They will scream victim and offer excuses as to their plight, all the while sitting on their ass waiting for their next CASH debit card to arrive in the mail.

I’m so proud of the response that the American people offer in times of need. I just hope that this amazing gratuity is not abused, for that would diminish it and lessen the name of a great city.

The New Podcast!

2005-08-18T20:36:00.000-05:00

We just finished a brand new Bob Narley Show Podcast. Thanks to the help of some great friends, and lots of hard, work we finally got it online. This latest Podcast checks in at around 24 minutes, much longer than the last two.

I have to send out a big thanks to my good friend Christopher Paul, whom I attend Second City Classes with, and one of my oldest and closest friends Rusty Hunt. Both of these guys donated several days worth of their precious free time in order to help complete the parody Podcast’s that are featured throughout the last show.

Over the last few months I have had several associates of mine who still work in radio comment that it would be in my best interest to discontinue the Podcasts while talking with Chicago radio stations about the possibility of an air shift. Their logic was that a prospective Program Director might misinterpret the Podcast as the type of show I would be looking to do on the air. I took their advice and laid low for several months, however I have now decided that I really don’t give a damn what anybody thinks, I just want to have some fun.

So, here we go again. This show took several weeks worth of free time from my friends, who have absolutely no experience in comedy audio or radio. In fact, aside from Christopher’s experience at Second City, both of the guys have never used a microphone in their life. Needless to say, my friend Rusty, who did a fantastic job as Tom in “Let’s Rate the Pot”, is still recovering from the anxiety of it all.

I’m hoping that my fellow Podcasters are not too offended by my introduction comments regarding 99% of all Podcasts being absolutely bush league and boring. Hey, let’s face it, it’s true! Thank God for the 1% that absolutely kick ass. Truth is, I even appreciate the crappy Podcasts because I know how hard it is to do an audio show, especially with any originality.

So, this Podcast of the Bob Narley Show was themed around crappy Podcasts. Listening back to the many episodes that are featured, I couldn’t help but want to redo many of them and edit them for time. That’s the radio guy in me, trying to make something that has nothing to do with radio become radio friendly.

Yes, I made plenty of mistakes, and yes, I hate hearing them, but I decided to let them play as they were recorded. Let the mistakes go! Learn from them. It’s a great starting place and I know that just like all of my other characters and comedy productions, they will grow over time.

Radio listeners of my old show might not follow the humor of parodying such a new media as Podcasts. People who are already familiar with Podcasts will surely get the joke on a totally different level. Hey man, it is what it is. Something funny that none of us take to seriously. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as we all did in making it.

I can’t wait to do the next show. We already have about ½ of it produced and in the can.

Taste of Chicago - Where's Santana?

2005-07-03T21:56:00.000-05:00

Nanci and I decided to take the Chicago NW Train down to the Loop and Taste of Chicago. The idea of grabbing a seat on the lawn and listening to Santana play a live outdoor show seemed stellar.

It’s extremely hot outside, but there is a nice wind blowing off the lake and plenty of blue skies, basically we are talking about the perfect weather for an outdoor concert. We made the train in plenty of time, however we were not alone in our plans for today as the station is filled with people ready to make the pilgrimage downtown for the Taste of Chicago. The train pulled into the station and as she slowed down for the stop I could see that there wasn’t a single seat left on the train, and we are only the 3rd stop. Brilliant minds think alike. Once inside the train, Nanci and I quickly determined that the best plan of action was to plant out asses down on the hard steel diamond plate the lined the stairs in the middle of the train car that you enter through.

By the time the train pulled into Arlington Heights it was standing room only with people lining the doorways, stairwells, and walkways. Our asses were getting sore from sitting on the diamond plate; however it sure beat standing for the entire hour long ride downtown.

Once downtown we made our way to the Osco store located in the station. Nanci had a coupon for some drinks and I thought to pick up some folding chairs to provide some much needed ass support for the remaining day. I’m sure that hundreds of little red x’s were imprinted all over our butts from the diamond plate.

Downtown was alive with thousand of people making their way to and from the Taste of Chicago. Everywhere we looked I could see vintage Santana t-shirts and boney feet walking in cheap sandals. The smell of patchouli made a remarkable contest against the usual mix of Diesel and Sewer. Across the street from the event some pitiful blues musicians were trying to gain the attention of the crowd as excited concert goers stalled at the stoplight anxiously waiting for their turn to cross. I aptly named them “The suck-ass blues band.” Never before has such bad guitar playing been so proudly amplified to a more indifferent audience.

Truly, this scene was a massive mix of hippies, yuppies, and Latino’s, all coming together to take advantage of the free concert. They were all proud of themselves, this was their great idea, and it was FREE. Free free, magical free, the one price that everyone can afford. Every Latino from Indiana to Milwaukee had made this pilgrimage to see the great Santana at a price that allowed them to bring the whole family. Grandpa and grandma helped pull the rolling cooler, moms and daughters with inexpensive backpacks loaded to the hilt with water and tortilla shells pulled their children behind them toward the mighty quest. Over the hill was Nirvana, a Free musical paradise, the promised land.

Nanci and I walked down the cement stairs that opened up into the concert field. The trees the lined the edges provided some much welcomed shade. We stood there frozen in amazement. Before us was a field so full of sweaty people that not a blade of grass was visible. The air above the crowd was distorted with the thermals of heat and body odor. It looked like Armageddon, but smelled like Ass Crack. This was not the Promised Land; this was a Latino sweat convention.

The stage had been erected in a pit off to our right, only the top of the scaffolding could be scene. Some genius on the planning committee had decided to place a medium sized big screen TV suspended smack dab in the middle of the field, blocking any possible view of the stage. It didn’t look so much like a concert, but more like the worlds largest gathering to watch the worlds shittiest TV.

With a positive mental attitude and the outside hope of finding a place to setup our chairs we dared to walk into the nightmare. The mob behind us pushed us into the field and down the river of bodies that swarmed throughout the area. We couldn’t leave the sidewalk as the field was completely full of people and there was simply no room. We could not turn around as the thousands of people behind us continued to push forward. We couldn’t move forward because the place was so full there was no more room. All we could do was move with the flow, and pray that there was an exit on the other side of this nightmare.

For over one hour we were caught up in the river of humans that flowed along the tiny paved walkways in the field. The intense heat was causing everyone to sweat profusely which provided a disgusting lubrication and helped squeeze the people through the really tight spots. Every few feet we could see the wide panicked eyes of someone who had no idea where they were going or how to stop. They would raise their arms up in the air with some feeble gesture as the human current carried them away. We were like millions of tiny blood cells being squeezed through the world’s largest clogged artery, and eventually something was going to rupture.

The police, loaded down with their faded blue bullet proof vests complete with utility pockets for pen and paper, had taken scarce positions throughout the walkways. They had no control, it was all in vain. I could hear them talking as we squished by that nobody had planned for this many people and the situation was looking grim. Over their walkie-talkies I could hear the continuous reports of fights, lost children, and the cries for medical assistance. Mostly they just stood their, rocking onto the tips of their black shoes, watching over the top of the crowd for any sign of relief.

After an hour of flowing with the sweat people and never seeing even a single square inch of free space, I knew I had to make a move. Nanci had been clutching on to the straps of the folding chairs I was carrying on either shoulder. Her knuckles were white and vacant of blood. It was time, I made my move. With the finesse of a pin ball I bounced off of a couple who had stopped to light a cigarette. The impact sent Nanci and I dead on into the oncoming flow. We were now moving in the opposite direction and hopefully back towards the glorious stairs and shade from where this nightmare all started.

In the air was the sound of Mexican blues rock. Los Lonely Boys had taken the stage and with their best Ricky Valenz effort they supplied the crowd with the unusual ambiance of a bad wedding band covering Stevie Ray Vaughn songs. Tens of thousands of people who were crammed onto their lawn blankets and chairs had their eyes fixated on the low budget TV screen in the middle of the field. On the screen was a guy who resembled Lou Diamond Phillips with a mullet. This was the world’s largest La Bamba fan club gathering and we were stuck in the Rio Grande of Ass.

We got lucky and I saw a break. A path lay before us. Several lawn blankets were almost empty except for a severely sunburned fat girl in low rise jeans who had already passed out from heat stroke. I jumped out of the River Latino and began frog hopping from blanket to blanket towards the entrance and ultimately freedom. Nanci followed my lead. With one hand on the nylon chair straps and the other with a death grip on our only bottle of water, I dragged her behind me like the cans on a wedding limo.

We had made it; we were back in the shade. I noticed plenty of room in the far back corner under the trees. Sure, we couldn’t see the amazing La Bamba TV show, or anything else for that matter, but it was shaded and a place to sit while we caught our breath. I setup our chairs and we sat down for the first time in an hour and half. Nanci had the million-mile stare and didn’t even react when I asked for a sip of water. The chairs felt great. I was glad to be in the shade.

About 20 other people were gathered under the canopy of trees, all pleased to have survived ASS FEST. Nanci and I watched with utter amazement as a never ending sea of people continued to poor into the concert area, oblivious to the horror that laid before them. Physics would surely take effect and I knew that it was only a matter of time before the force of all these people filling a finite space, combined with the sweaty human lubrication, would cause some poor victim to launch up from the center of the crowd and into outer space.

Peace. Nanci and starred in front of us at the tree branches and leaves. In the distance I could barely hear the sound of Ricky “The Mullet” Valenz going into his pathetic guitar solo. I offered an idea to my lovely wife. Perhaps we should leave, catch the next train home, go out for some dinner and perhaps a nice air conditioned movie of her choice. Genius she thought and we made it so.

I sit here writing this entry a changed man. I have smelled more sweaty Latino ass than a German Sheppard pulling drug duty on boarder patrol, and I have lived to tell about it. The next time I think checking out a Free Santana concert is a good idea; I’ll just stick my nose deep inside my lawn guys ass crack and play some Santana over my iPod.

Is this writer's block?

2005-06-29T09:07:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe I’m having so much trouble editing my demo. This reminds me of writer’s block. The odd thing about writer’s block is that often the problem is not that you can’t come up with anything creative, its’ just that you think that everything you come up with sucks. Mostly, you just hate everything and stall out, stuck in the same spot and going over the same thing time and again.

Luckily, two of my good friends came over to the studio yesterday. I had them listen to some of the things I had been working on and paid very close attention to their responses and thoughts. Sometimes it’s nice to have people you can use for feedback. Seeing their reactions and bouncing ideas off them seemed to do the trick and I now feel very confident that my new demo is back on track.

While they were over we did some improvising for my Podcast. One of the bits turned out really great and the other should work just as well. With any luck I should have a brand new Podcast ready to launch some time next week. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

Demo Demo Demo

2005-06-27T07:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have to take advantage of the opportunities that life has put right in front of your face. Today I finish up my latest demo, designed and targeted specifically for the Chicago Radio Market. Creating a radio demo is harder than one might think, or maybe it’s just harder for me to do because I tend to be overly critical about my own performance. Imagine that?

For this Demo I have taken a typical show with several phone calls, an interview, and two ticket give-aways. One pair of tickets was given away to a guy who gave himself a swirly in a public toilet. Is that too gross? Probably, but Hey, that’s my show.

Comedy MP3
Website Marketing
Website Consultation
Website Design
Website Templates

Chuck's New Harley

2005-06-19T22:08:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows exactly how passionate I am about riding my Harley Davidson Fatboy. I love it! I ride everyday, cold or hot, rain or shine, and one of my favorite things to do is ride my Harley with a group of friends through the winding Illinois roads.

Today, one of my oldest and dearest friends, Chuck, bought his very first Harley Davidson. He walked into the local Harley Davidson dealership and rode out on a new Harley Davidson Road King. Nice Choice Chuck!

While Chuck’s new bike was getting set up in the shop he dropped me a call to tell me the good news. An event like this couldn’t go without notice. Knowing that it would take at least another half hour to finish up the work on his bike, I quickly offered to climb on my ride and boogie up the highway to the dealership and join Chuck for his maiden voyage home.

I jumped onto my bike and started the ½ hour ride that would take me to Woodstock Illinois. The weather outside was perfect with blue skies and warm weather and I couldn’t help but feel excitement for my friend. There is nothing like buying a new Harley Davidson.

I met Chuck at the dealership and we waited for what seemed like eternity for his bike to be finished. We walked around the dealership looking at all of the great rides while Chuck explained to me exactly why he choose the Road King over all the others.

The bike was soon fished and we were called to the back of the shop for the walk around. Chuck’s new ride looked great in the sunlight. The color is called Lava Red, and that is exactly what it looks like. The Road King is long and low with black leather saddle bags and wide handlebars, the classic Harley. Chuck is every bit of 6 feet 3inches and 280 pounds and he fit the bike perfectly.

As we pulled out of the parking lot and down the country roads that would wind us back to his house I could see that Chuck had a grin on his face from ear to ear. With the wind in our face and the sun on our backs we started out on his first ride.

There is nothing quit like the sound that roars out of the tailpipes from a Harley Davidson’s V-Twin motor. It’s deep and powerful and something very much like an addiction to those of us who are lucky enough to own one. Chuck and I rode side by side, something we hadn’t done in over 18 years, and the sound of the two bikes together is something that I will never forget.

Sure, the bikes are great and the sound is unbelievable, but my favorite part of the trip was riding alongside my friend Chuck and seeing that genuine smile on his face as he headed down the road on his new Harley Davidson Road King. If you try and ask a Harley Rider why they ride you will usually get the response “if I have to explain, you wouldn’t understand”. It might seem rude, but it’s true. The best answer I can try to give you is that it is more than the bike and the freedom of the road, it’s more than the sound of the pipes and the wind in your face, its about sharing times with good friends, its about living life on your own terms, its all about enjoying the ride.

Today was a great day!

I definitely enjoyed the ride.

MuDvayNe's Lost and Found has been Certified Gold!

2005-06-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

The guys from Mudvayne just wrote me an email informing me of the good news. Lost and Found has already been certified Gold. Congratulations.

This is Mudvayne's third straight gold, and fastest selling album to date.

TOUR UPDATE 2005
MuDvAyNe is currently touring across Europe, Japan and Australia in preparation for Ozzfest 2005, during which they'll perform on the main stage's much-coveted third slot, going on just before headliners Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden. In between, they'll do select headline shows with openers Shadows Falls, In Flames and Trivium. They'll also be headlining the Aggressive Music Festival on July 16th.

OZZFEST TOUR DATES AND SELECT ONE-OFFS (MORE DATES TO FOLLOW):

7/15 Boston, MA @ Tweeter Center
7/16 Glens Falls, NY @ Glens Falls Civ Ctr (Agg.Music Fest.)
7/17 Hartford, CT @ Meadows
7/19 Camden, NJ @ Tweeter Waterfront
7/20 Toronto Ont @ Docks - Mudvayne/SF/IF/Trivium
7/21 Buffalo, NY @ Darien Lakes
7/23 Pittsburgh, PA @ Post Gazette
7/24 Washington, DC @ Nissan Pavilion
7/26 New York, NY @ PNC
7/27 Holmdel, NJ@PNC Arts Center - Ozzfest
7/28 Virginia Beach VA - Verizon Wireless Amphitheater - Radio Show
7/30 Chicago, IL @ Tweeter Center
7/31 Indianapolis, IN @ Verizon Wireless Music Center
8/2 Columbus, OH @ Germain Amphitheatre
8/3 Cleveland, OH @ Tower City Amphitheatre Mudvayne/SF/IF/Trivium
8/4 Detroit, MI @ DTE Energy Music Theatre
8/6 East Troy, WI @ Alpine Valley
8/7 Minneapolis, MN @ Floatrite Park
8/10 Portland OR @ Columbia Meadows - Radio Show
8/11 Seattle, WA @ White River
8/13 San Francisco, CA @ Shoreline Amphitheatre
8/14 Sacramento, CA @ Sleep Train
8/16 Salt Lake City, UT @ USANA Pavilion
8/17 Las Vegas NV @ House Of Blues - Mudvayne/SF/IF/Trivium
8/18 Phoenix, AZ @ Cricket
8/20 Los Angeles, CA @ Hyundai Pavilion at Glen Helen
8/21 San Diego, CA @ Soma Mudvayne/SF/IF/Trivium
8/23 Albuquerque, NM @ Journal Pavilion
8/25 Dallas, TX @ Smirnoff
8/27 Houston, TX @ Cynthia J. Woods Pavilion
8/28 San Antonio, TX @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
8/31 Nashville, TN @ Starwood Amphitheatre
9/2 Charlotte, NC @ Verizon
9/4 West Palm Beach @ Sound Advice

Goodbye Mackie's

2005-06-13T05:01:00.000-05:00

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I’m wide awake. I woke up around 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep. Isn’t this what happens to old men? Great!
I do have a lot going on today. My old Mackie mixing boards were sold on eBay to a sound guy from Michigan. It figures that after I spent weeks finding boxes suitable for shipping these large boards that the guy is going to come and pick them up in person. I can’t say as that I blame him; I wouldn’t trust these boards to a shipping company either. He should be here around 11.

I’m going to miss these boards. They were the best purchase that I have ever made. After my contract was bought out at WXTB, back in the late 90’s, I purchased these boards with every penny that I had left. The idea was sound, by purchasing the equipment I could still create my comedy, even without the use of the radio stations studios. I wouldn’t be shut down, or locked out.

It turned out to be a very smart move. I more than paid for the boards by doing side productions for other radio shows, voice over work, and my own demos. No matter how broke I became over those years, I still had the nicest set of mixing boards in town. At least I looked impressive, even if I didn’t own a car.

Today my studio is all digital and I have grown past the Mackie’s. Don’t get me wrong, they are still the industry standard; it’s just that I don’t need them anymore. My Tascam mixer does the same job as my old Mackie’s, but adds the bonus of high quality sound card, midi control, and DAW control. Still, nothing will ever look as impressive as those huge black Mackie mixing boards consuming every inch of free space in my studio. And so ends another era.

Kick Ass Saturday!

2005-06-04T10:37:00.000-05:00

Finally it’s Saturday. Dealing with the CRIA all this week has taken its toll on me. That, and the fact that one off my clients is still stiffing me for payment on some Internet Consultation. These are the joys of running your own business.

Outside, it’s clear blue skies and about 75 degrees. I’m sitting in a pair of shorts down in my studio, but I won’t be for long. Today, I’m taking the Harley out for a long cruise through the winding Illinois countryside. I can’t wait.

In 3 days, all of my kids will be gone for the whole summer. My oldest will be visiting her grandmother in Florida, while my stepson will visit his father in Naples, Florida. It will be weird not having them around, and as much as they drive me crazy at times, I know I will find the house a very empty place without them.

However. I have two words for you.

Afternoon Sex.

O my god, it’s been forever since the wife and I could actually have sex in the daytime. Woo hoooo. Hey, what can I say, I like sex during the daytime, before I have eat’n. Give me an afternoon of great sex, then feed me. Now that’s a perfect day.

Looks like the summer is going to better than I had even hoped with warm sunny days, long harley rides, and afternoon sex.

Sometimes it’s good to be the Bob.

Time to go fire up the Harley!

The Dumb Ass Bastards at the CRIA!

2005-05-29T15:46:00.000-05:00

Do you know who the CRIA is?

Yeah, well, neither did I until I received the most unbelievable email complaint from them just the other day. As I’m sure you have already guessed, they pissed me off big time, and for good reason. They are truly an organization of Dumb Asses and I can prove it.

CRIA stands for "The Canadian Recording Industry Association". They are exactly like the organization that many of us American’s are very familiar with, known as the RIAA, or “Recording Industry Association of America”. These are the same jack ass mother fuckers who are suing 12 year old girls for downloading mp3 files into their computer. Nice people huh? Well, their counterparts from above the boarder are exactly the same, only more ignorant. Here is why.

I am going to post the email that I received from them at the bottom of this Blog entry. I will post it in its entirety so that you can truly appreciate the ignorance that oozes from their feeble little minds. O no, I hope I’m not offending them. Eek.. ooo. What will they do?

For now, let me describe the situation.

As many of you know, I’ve been a radio personality for more than 15 years now, with a hell of a library of original comedy productions that have been played all over the world. This library consists of parody songs, comedy songs, parody commercials, and comedy bits, all written and performed by myself and my friends, and recorded by me in my own private production facility located here at the Narley Manor. I offer all of my comedy productions for FREE download on my website at http://www.bobnarley.com/, as is my right to do so.

It’s important to note that I do not belong to the RIAA, or BMI, or ASCAP, or any other organization or publishing company that helps fill the pockets of major corporations and record companies and rips off the little known and starving musicians who exist on the fringe. I have no desire to belong to them, and trust me when I tell you that they have no desire for me to belong to them. I’m the anti-corporate musician. I’m the rock that fouled the cog in their machine. I offer my stuff for FREE. Ewwwwwwwww they hate that. Right Lars?

Back to the email.

It seems that the geniuses at the CRIA have developed some software that is very much like a search engine spider, in that it will go into a website seeking to find mp3 files, then electronically try to match them to the library of songs that they represent. Now, I’m assuming this because the alternative is that they have retarded kids trying to identify mp3 files.

This spider went into my website and tried to identify the large library of FREE mp3 files that I offer and compare it to their library. Remember, that because they believe they represent 90% of all recordings, that the songs must be theirs. Right? Yeah right.

Well, this software, or spider, identified all of my recordings, and even some html web pages, as being songs by other bands. They then sent an email to my server, which is hosted in Canada, claiming that I am a copyright thief and that I must remove these files from their server or they will sue them and me.

Needless to say, my server company freaked out! And sent me a nasty email, with their original attached, telling me to remove the files or else.. (cue scary music)

Now imagine yourself as me, and you suddenly get a threatening email from 2 companies claiming that your original productions belong to somebody else, and that if you don’t remove them your going to get sued. I was pissed! How could this happen?

The best part is what they identified my songs as, and who they think their by. Not to mention that they think some of my HTML web pages are actually mp3 songs by other people.. Now that is really funny. In fact, they identify several different songs of mine as being the same song by some other artists. Now that is real genius. It’s very obvious that a human did not check this out, because all you would have to do is listen and you would know this was an obvious mistake.

For example, and remember the email is below with the full list for you to enjoy.

The CRIA thought my original comedy song “Snaggle Snatch Crotch Rot” was actually the arists known as “The Band” and the song “The Well”. Here is the excerpt.
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v
>- Snaggle Snatch Crotch Rot.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v -
>Snaggle Snatch
>Crotch Rot.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 13:43:38
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL

Notice that my file even has the name of my song listed in the file name, yet these jack asses seem to think my song, is some song done by “The Band” back in the 60’s. Do you remember ‘The band”, they did “Up on Cripple Creek”.

Let’s compare lyrics.

The Band – The Well
I took my bucket down to the wellThere's a (desert?) woman, sweet mysteryShe let the rope fall down in the wellLike it was meant to be
O.k., Now here are my Lyrics, to my song “snaggle snatch crotch rot”You can listen to it yourself here: http://www.bobnarley.com/improvisation/snagle_snatch_crotch_rot.htm

This is a song, about what you got
A souvenir from that girl you just popped
She looked real hot, she looked real clean
But an evil lurked inside those blue jeans

Someone should erect a sign to beware
Of the nasty virus that lives down there
A green slimy trail runs down to her knees
and smells like a pile, of liver and cheese

Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot
Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot
Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot
Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot Rot Rot Rot.. oh
(end)

So, I’m sure Robbie Robertson would agree, THIS IS NOT THEIR FUCING SONG!
Any asshole would only have to listen to 5 seconds of it to realize the error, but of course the CRIA is way to lazy to do that, and instead just goes ahead and fires their guns across my broadside. FUCK THE CRIA.

How about another example.

Here the CRIA seems to think that my song “Sweet Delicious Beer” written and performed live by me at the Real Rock studios in 2003, is actually “The Sweet” doing their famous song “Action”, written in the 70’s. WHA?!

>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Sweet Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Sweet
>Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:03:08
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION

Let’s compare lyrics.

The Sweet – Action
So you think you'll take another piece of me To satisfy your intellectual need Do you want, do you want Action, action, action, action Gonna bring you down 'Cause you've been pushing me You've got to recognise my superiority

O.k…. Now my Lyrics

Bob Narley – Sweet Delicious Beer Listen for yourself.http://www.bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy%20songs/Bob%20Narley%20-%20The%20Mighty%20V%20-%20Sweet%20Delicious%20Beer%20-%20Not%20for%20Broadcast.mp3

Sweet Delicious Beer
How I wish I wish I had some
Sweet Delicious Beer
And Britney Spears Read
Pull up a frosty Mug
Then I’ll chug a lug
Give Britney a hug
Shave her martin’s rug…….

Hmmm. Well.. I think I’m making my point.. what do you think?

Listen, I don’t have anything against these artists, or their right to not have other people distribute their recording via the internet. However, I do have a BIG PROBLEM with the CRIA falsely accusing me of distributing their songs.

The CRIA has falsely accused me of a felony, and did not even bother to check it out before causing so much trouble that it has taken me weeks to deal with and it’s still not done. The damage that they have done is clear! The problems that they have caused are obvious. I stand by my proof and challenge anybody to prove otherwise.

I have written my server company, the ISP, and the CRIAA! I proved my point just as I proved it here, and challenged both of them to do otherwise, threatening them to either prove otherwise or retract their accusations in writing! Needless to say, I haven’t heard back from the CRIA since. I guess they think they can just fuck with me and walk away. Hey CRIA, Guess What? You have Guessed Wrong!

Today they fucked with the wrong man. I don’t take shit from anyone, and especially a bunch of corporate jackasses who don’t have the brains that god gave a piss ant.

O, I plan on informing everybody about this injustice, and I won’t stop. I feel bad for the other guys who don’t have the balls to stand up to this organization and are also the unfortunate victims of their automated abuse system.

As promised I have posted the original email below. I have deleted some of the contact information to protect innocent 3rd parties; otherwise it is in its entirety. My favorite part is where they point out the HTML web pages are actually songs by other artists. I also love how they claim that completely different songs of mine are actually the same song by another artist. Brilliant work guys!

Here is the email.

>ATTENTION:
>
>Dear Sir/Madam:
>
>The Canadian Recording Industry Association (CRIA) is an association of
>record companies operating in Canada. CRIA member record companies own
>or hold the exclusive copyright interest in excess of 90% of all sound
>recordings manufactured, distributed and sold in Canada. A
>list of CRIA
>member record companies will be forwarded to you upon request.
>
>We have evidence that the site, bobnarley.com, which is hosted on your
>server, makes available for downloading and unauthorized reproduction
>certain sound recordings in which the copyright is owned or exclusively
>licensed by one or more CRIA member record companies. This site was
>accessed on 29-Apr-2005 15:51:12 GMT. Unauthorized copies of our
>members' sound recordings that are available on the site hosted by your
>server causes
>irreparable damage to the record companies and their recording artists.
>
>The following list of files were found on the site:
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /
>Timestamp: 21-Apr-2005 22:58:40
>Artist / Track: M.A.P. / G.O.D.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/index.html
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /index.html
>Timestamp: 26-Apr-2005 06:05:37
>Artist / Track: M.A.P. / G.O.D.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/bob_narleys_commercials.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/bob_narleys_commercials.htm
>Timestamp: 26-Apr-2005 06:10:23
>Artist / Track: N/A / N/A
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - The Shocker - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - The
>Shocker - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 13:55:02
>Artist / Track: SILKK THE SHOCKER / SHOCKER
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/3dollarbillboys.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/3dollarbillboys.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:51:12
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Bitch Sister - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Bitch
>Sister - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:39:36
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Catahoola with No Chickenbag - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Catahoola
>with No Chickenbag - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:17:40
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Cleatus the Featus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Cleatus the
>Featus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:10:38
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Clulex Nigra Palpus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Clulex
>Nigra Palpus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:58:41
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Die Snowbirds Die - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Die
>Snowbirds Die - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:51:17
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - God Damn It Jesus Fn Christ - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- God Damn It
>Jesus Fn Christ - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 26-Apr-2005 06:12:46
>Artist / Track: M.A.P. / G.O.D.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Rectum on the Rocks - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Rectum on
>the Rocks - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:24:56
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Slapped in the Face with a Weenie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Slapped in
>the Face with a Weenie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:21:37
>Artist / Track: ARNOLD / FACE
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Slumber Action Jackson - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Slumber
>Action Jackson - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:17:42
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Stinky Pinky Pie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Stinky
>Pinky Pie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:11:48
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Sweet Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Sweet
>Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:03:08
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v
>- Snaggle Snatch Crotch Rot.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v -
>Snaggle Snatch
>Crotch Rot.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 13:43:38
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.

Second City: The First Review

2005-05-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

The old saying “It will all come together at show time” seems to have rung true once again.

The show, or as Second City called it “Demonstration”, went great! I really couldn’t have been more proud of all the classes that I saw today, including my own. Everybody did a really great job, even for 11:30 a.m.

The day started out with most of my classmates and me hanging out in the Main Stage bar. You enter the Second City Main Stage via an entrance on Wells. The downstairs lobby is almost empty with a small glass counter filled with books and T-Shirts. The walls are natural brick covered with photographs and posters. A black metal stairway leads you up to the second floor and The Main Stage Bar.

The Main Stage Bar area is also small with an old wooden bar stretching for about 15 feet. The walls are covered with black and white pictures of previous Second City Alumni on stage and performing. It’s amazing to see some of these now well known and respected personalities captured in their youth during various silly sketches. Behind the bar are larger poster sized photos of some of the more famous Second City Alumni. As you can imagine, most of us were pretty excited and the anticipation was easily read on all of our faces.

3 Level C classes all performed today, with Level D’s and E shows happening later in the day. Many of the students brought family and friends, and once inside the theater not a single seat was left empty. I was surprised to see so many people at the event. My guess was that there would be 8 people all scattered throughout the room, similar to a Tuesday open mic night at the corner tavern, coughing amidst long silent pauses. Such was not the case, as around 300 seats were filled with encouraging smiles.

My class was scheduled third, leaving us the daunting task of standing up to the first classes’ performances. As expected, the first two classes really did a great job, setting the bar high for our turn.

We headed back through the kitchen during the ending of the 2nd classes final game. I was quick to joke that most great careers start in the kitchen, and several of my classmates agreed. We paused in the kitchen amongst the stainless silver work spaces and various plastic crates filled with old water goblets and beer glasses. A man, who’s name I can’t remember, dark bushy hair and an overgrown Go-T, introduced himself as our acting stage manager and began his generic speech about respecting the backstage area and various props that we might find. He then led us into adjoining backstage area.

Backstage at Second City is tiny and reminiscent of an untidy dorm room. The smells of the kitchen fill the area along with some smoke from the main room. The walls are painted a flat blue and actors have written odd quotes and expressions in large permanent marker in the more open areas. A very small round table is against the wall, two small folding chairs along side of it, with some bobby pins and an ashtray on top. Promotional photographs are thumb tacked into the available wood and it’s easy to see that this place is proud of its history. My 12 classmates gathered into the crowded room and awaited our final instructions.

2 minutes until show time. We can hear the final game echo from the main stage as our host instructs us on the entrance and exit areas that we will use for our turn. Everybody is very excited. They look at our host eyes with great intent, but don't hear a thing he is saying. Nick, the tallest in the class remarks for a “Sweat Check” as he wipes a handkerchief upon his brow, double checking in the old wooden mirror that hangs near by. Several of us followed his suggestion as we walked up the small wooden steps to the stage and our first performance.

I walked out of the dark and into the bright lights of the Second City Main Stage. The stage is shorter than you might think. 3 fake doorways with red velvet curtains line the backdrop. 2 rows of stairs line the entire width of the stage and make for an excellent place for us to stand and await our introductions. You can see the people in the first 3 rows, everyone past that point is just washed out in the spotlights. We begin our show.

Looking back at the first performance its easy to understand why The Second City has such a proud history in Chicago. The teachers are passionate and their methods sound. With only 6 months of training each and every student performed well and entertained the audience. It’s not an easy thing to walk up on stage without a script or set list and entertain 300 people, but thanks to the excellent work of the faculty and the hard passionate work of the students, it worked.

I can’t wait to do it again.

Second City: The First Show

2005-05-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

Today is my first show on the Second City stage, and while I’m pretty excited about getting up there I must admit that doing a show at 11:30 am is not exactly Prime Time.
True, it will be a great experience and I’m looking forward to performing with my class, it’s really not that big of a deal since we are all about as rookie as you can get.

So, at 11:300 am, on a beautiful Sunday morning, my level C class will hit the stage ready to rock out our family and friends as we perform our hearts out for a whopping 17 minutes of original improvisation.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of very creative and talented people in my class and I have complete faith that the show will turn out even better than I expect, shows always do. Many of the students have improved considerably since our first level and I have found it interesting to watch them progress. I’m sure that the audience will get a chuckle or three before it’s all over. Lord knows nothing is funnier than improvisation at 11:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

The truth is this; we are all just level C. It’s our first show doing Second City style improvisation in front of a live audience, and while I have had years of experience performing live many of these students have never had the chance. Not that my experience will help me at all, we are all the classic rookies shooting from the hip.

It should make for some good stories. I’ll be sure to post the results as soon as I’m done.

Wish us luck!

Snowboarding? Day 1- Ouch!

2005-03-23T23:40:00.000-06:00

It’s Day one of my honeymoon and I awake with my new wife at our luxurious hotel, The Vail Cascade Resort and Spa. We had made a good choice, the place is beautiful. The resort is very large and runs along side of the mountain, surrounded by woods and the stream. This place is first class all the way.

I had tuned my snowboard last night after dinner. I was excited to finally be hitting the slopes and trying out the sport with modern equipment. How hard can it be? I can skateboard on ramps as well as hills. I can boogie board and water ski. Hell, I was one of the first snowboarders and dared to challenge dead mans’ hill in my Brunswick Snurfer. I can do this.

Outside of our door you can hear other guest’s snow gear swishing by as they walk. The plastic waterproof material makes a somewhat annoying Swish sound with every step they take. It seems the hotel is up and ready to hit the slopes. We are not far behind them. I tie up my cool new boots, tuck my long board under my arm, and we are out the door.

Nanci needs to score her rental skis before we leave. Nanci has had some experience skiing, and has chosen to stick with the sure thing rather than brave a new sport as I have done. The hotel has a great pro shop that can accommodate her rentals at a reasonable price. We had done our research the day before. As Nanci finishes her fitting, I sit outside on a bench made from a large tree sawn in half. I’m watching how everyone else manages to get on the ski lift with the snowboard attached to their feet. I hate being the rookie.

The lift that will take us to the top of Vail Mountain is located right along side the pro shop and hotel. We purchase our lift tickets and make our way to the back of the line to snap our boots in our bindings. Nanci is ready to go.

It’s time to jump into the line and get on the lift. I had seen from watching the other snowboarders that you snap your front foot in the binding and leave your back foot to push you along, much like riding a skateboard. It seems easy enough to do, however the width of the snowboard and the fact that my foot is turned 90 degrees to the side makes me look like a retard participating in some new Special Olympic Sport.

Nanci and I manage to get on the chair lift with minimal stress. I was glad to have made it, although I almost pulled my leg off as the snowboard turned sideways on liftoff. We were now riding up the snow covered mountains. Nanci was very nervous about falling off, and looking down I can say that I blame her. We pull a lap bar down over our heads. This thing is worthless, but it seems to help her anxiety.

This chairlift will take us almost all the way to the top of the mountain. Vail is scattered with many lifts that will give you access to the various runs. Since our resort is located on the far side of the mountain, this lift takes us to the far right where we can ski down the main run and towards the middle for more options. I have checked my map and we will take the easy runs at first while we both get used to our chosen equipment. I’m not worried. This is going to be easy.

It’s time to dismount the lift. Luckily I had read how to do this online before our trip. Both Nanci and I slide down the small hill below the chair and come to a stop before the drop off down the main slope. Dozens of people whiz by us while a take a few minutes to lock my back foot into the binding. I’m ready to go.

Let’s go snowboarding. I place my hands behind me and give a mighty shove in order to rise to a standing position. Nanci has already started her way down the slope. Immediately upon my rising the snowboard began to accelerate down the hill. My balance was fine. Everything seemed o.k. I started to gain some speed. I’m going to need to do some turns to control this speed. I start to gently lean on to the edge in the hopes of performing a graceful turn. The board swivels but does not turn. I rapidly gain more speed as I head into the very large clearing and across the main run.

I desperately need to slow down and gain control of this snowboard or else I’m doomed to become a meat rocket plowing down the slope too an inevitable climax upside a white Aspen tree. I lean once again, this time with a little more effort, and nothing happens. Now my board is sideways sliding down the hill. The traction of this device now seems like that of a saucer that simply follows the contours of the hill on some predetermined route designated by gravity. This is bad.

I’ve traveled 50 yards and have gained an incredible amount of speed. I’m facing up the hill, my snowboard is sideways, and I’m traveling down the slope way too fast. Suddenly the back edge grabs the snow and I’m airborne flying backwards about 4 feet in the air. With a mighty thud I land flat on my back. My head smacks the packed snow causing a series of white and black flashes as I bounce down the hill finally coming to a rest. Ouch! What the fuck?

I believe that we all have a little human energy meter inside our bodies. You can see this invisible indicator whenever you watch a boxing match and the loosing boxer takes a wicked upper cut straight to the chin. You can see this indicator drop substantially. This first impact decreased my indicator by 25%, not a good start.

Over the next 2 hours I would become a victim of what I now call “NewSnowboarditis”; the horrible condition that is the direct result of taking the chair lift to the top of the mountain without first learning how to ride a snowboard. I was caught in a horrible vortex of repetitive pain. It was my destiny to travel a maximum of 35 yards, gaining incredible speed while swiveling out of control and finally impacting with the snow in some nightmarish reenactment of a sports bloopers gag reel. Each collision would lower my personal energy meter further and further until I was far into the negative and operating on pure tenacity. Damn it! Where’s the bottom of this fucking mountain?

Nanci had found her ski legs early and was having no problem carving nicely controlled paths down the slope. She would ski in front of me, swishing to a nice stop about 70 yards or so down the hill, a safe distance clear of any possible impact zone, yet in perfect position to the view the carnage that was sure to follow.

Here comes the carnage, and once again I would desperately try to gain control of this evil contraption that was causing parts of my body to hurt that I had never even felt before. Please God, just let me make it down this fucking hill. He didn’t care; he loved every glorious moment of this testament to human ignorance. Later that night God and his arc angles would hit the Tevo of life and replay the day long highlights of my contorted demise down Vail Mountain.

About half way down the mountain I had come to a rest, or shall I say, I cart wheeled to a stop, ironically perched at the beginning of a specially designed advanced run for snowboarders. This run had rails and jumps and looked like it was designed by a video game programmer. As usual, I sat their on my sore ass for several minutes as I tried to regain the oxygen and will power needed to arise and once again plummet unto another flesh pile 30 yards or so down the hill. I was breathing very hard. My ass hurt. I sat there.

Suddenly a snowboarder came sliding to a perfect stop right next to me. He sat down for a minute. He was confident and well learned in the ways of the snowboarding Jedi. With a quick motion he lifted his goggles to the top of his wool hat, looked over at me and said “Great board man! What a great day for snowboarding!” He had obviously not seen my advanced human cart wheel spiral that landed me in this ironic position. Like him, he assumed I was perched in preparation of taking on this advanced run. In fact, I was panicking, trying to figure out how to guide the damn snowboard far away from this run and continue down the catwalk that I was originally on, and make my way towards Nanci and another Kodak crash. I needed some help and this guy was surely an expert.

I swallowed my pride, or perhaps it was a small piece of my liver than had rattled loose. “Hey man, how the fuck do you turn these things?”

He looked at me and smiled. He understood. All snowboarders must pass through this baptism of pain and humiliation that I was experiencing. As a testament to the many people that I would later meet on the slopes, he was cool and friendly and quick to offer assistance.

“Turn your board sideways, and try just riding down on the side edge, practice rocking your weight until you find your balance. It’s all in your toes. Once you find your balance on the edge, you’ll get it.” And with a smile he was off down the run.

I took his advice and managed to slide the rest of the way down Vail Mountain on the back edge of my snowboard. Sure, I crashed many more times, however by the time I made it to the bottom I could actually turn. Well, I could turn sometimes, mostly just to the right.

Nanci and I called it a day and we retreated to a small outside restaurant to lick my wounds and enjoy a nice refreshing beverage. She looked at me with the pitiful eyes of a woman who had seen the horror first hand. She was concerned. “are you o.k.?”

I was o.k., and damn glad to be at the bottom of the hill. I had gained an amazing amount of respect for the snowboarders who make it look so easy. Every muscle, every bone, even my guts hurt. My head had impacted so many times with the snow that the term “headache” didn’t even begin to describe the swollen feeling of my brain. I felt like a soldier back from the war, older, hardened with a million mile stare, more respectful of life.

We retired back to our room and rested before dinner. Nanci’s co-workers had purchased her a day at the famous spa located in our resort. Tomorrow she was going to spend the afternoon soaking in weird oils and getting pampered by the staff. I have another plan.

I WILL SNOWBOARD. I WILL NOT FAIL. I WILL TRY AGAIN. I fell asleep.

Bang! I'm Married.

2005-03-22T21:39:00.000-06:00

39 years of the bachelor life and I’m proud to say that my friends have been right all along; I truly am the luckiest man in the whole world. I married Nanci.

The flight into Eagle Colorado was beautiful, watching the terrain pass below the jet confirmed out choice of performing the ceremony high in the Rocky Mountains. Sure, my family would rather swallow molten lava than bless the event, but who give a fuck? Not me, if they won’t back my decision then to hell with them and their shitty attitudes. Nanci looks amazingly happy.

10:45 am, and the plane touches down at the Eagle County Airport. I love the rustic architecture and cabin like exterior of the airport. Man, how do the pilots manage to navigate the mountains? Nanci and I quickly secured the rental car, a small economy number that barely holds the snowboard bag, and we head off to the county courthouse where we will pick up our license for the upcoming ceremony.

Inside the old courthouse the clerk is pleased to take our information and fill out the short paperwork. Fifteen dollars and 30 minutes later Nanci and I head down the winding highway on our way towards Vail Colorado. The plane is simple, find a good spot in the mountains, climb up, and marry ourselves in front of God and whatever hawk might choose to witness.

We stopped at a rest area overlooking a shallow river and wide stretch of mountains. It wasn’t the spot for the ceremony, but a worthy visit for some photos and a chance to catch our breath. The ground is dry and rocky, but the mountains are covered in the white powder that I plan on conquering first thing in the morning. After several silly posses we are off on the final leg of our journey.

We pull off the highway into the town of Vail Colorado. We had made the 45 minute trip without choosing the location. No matter, we still had a couple of hours to kill before check in time. I suggest we drive through the town and maybe a local spot will present itself.

The town of Vail is unbelievably beautiful. The real estate industry is booming and many luxury homes have been built along the hillsides and river. We drive long ways through the town, spotting several possible locations above the homes in the hills. An amazing frozen waterfall stretches for hundreds of yards up the side of the mountain and while it looks like a romantic location the treacherous climb was unanimously unappealing.

At the far end of town the road comes to an abrupt end. The signs show a hiking path covered in several feet of hard packed snow that winds alongside the river and up into the mountains. I suggest that this might be the way to go. Nanci changes into her chosen white sweater. She looks amazing! I grab the video camera and double check the rings in my pocket as we head up the path.

The snow is deep but the path packed hard from heavy use. Ski tracks are everywhere along with some large dog tracks. The trail leads down alongside the river and under the huge bridge that carries the highway towards Denver. I suggest that a nice spot along the river would be nice and we leave the trail and make our way into the ravine. Bad move.

The snow is deep and unpacked. Several times I found myself up to my waist in powder. This doesn’t seem to be a good idea and we cut back up the river in an effort to regain the trail about 200 yards upstream. The river runs along side us and the view is incredible. Water winds through rocks of all sizes, babbling along it’s way through snow covered arches. The journey back to the path takes us longer than we would have liked and snow is now soaking into my leather hiking shoes. The price I paid for them earlier in the year now seems a good buy.

We catch the trail up stream and once our feet hit the packed powder on the wide trail we laugh about our bad decision to leave the trail for the river. The highway is no longer visible, nor the town or any homes. We wind our way up the steep path, short on breath but excited. We know that we are close. Two boys on cross country skis are hauling ass down the path on their way to Vail. They ask us how much further as they race along. It’s peaceful. The sky is rich and blue with only a few white clouds floating far above us. We hike about one half mile further up to the top of the hill that overlooks the whole ravine. I suggest to nanci that this is the place. She agrees.

We married ourselves high atop the Rocky Mountains, deep in the blue sky, witnessed by the wind. I’ll never forget how beautiful Nanci looked as she told me her vows. I am a lucky man, the luckiest man in the world.

The Original Snurfer, or My Day on Dead Mans Hill

2005-03-21T17:25:00.000-06:00

It’s Monday morning and I have only 24 hours left as a single man.

It’s weird; I have heard many guys talk about getting nervous or having second thoughts, especially the closer they get to D-Day. I feel fine. I’m completely calm.

Nanci had to go into work today, the kids are in Florida, and I have the house to myself. I’m going to take it easy, pack up my gear for the big trip to Vail, and watch a little TV.

I earlier today I scored a cool new rolling luggage bag to compliment my new snowboard. About a month ago Sports Authority had a huge closeout sale on of their snowboard gear; boots, bindings, boards, and bags. I picked up a Sims Ritual board, 167cm, with K2 bindings, and Sims boots. The grand total was less the $170 for all of it. I couldn’t believe it. For about the same price as renting the gear, I got all new gear that I can use again and again. Now all I need to do is learn how to snowboard. Maybe I should say, I need to learn how to snowboard again.

I was actually one of the first snowboarders. At 39, that might seem pretty odd, but it’s true. When I was a kid living in Barrington Illinois, I found a “Snurfer” in somebody’s garbage while taking my usual walk downtown to Osco for a candy bar. At first I thought that this odd looking device sticking out of a garbage can was a water-ski, it looked exactly like one. It was made by Brunswick and had multicolored brown laminated wood with a white nylon rope fastened to the tip. Little white plastic bumps that reminded me of cleats stuck up from two separate places where you would put your feet. The tail section was gently molded into a slight bow, similar to the hull of a boat, with a 6 inch metal blade creating the contact point at the very bottom. This was a very cool score for a young kid, and even though it wasn’t winter yet, I took it home and put it in the garage, proud of my new oddity.

Several cold months past by and finally the first snow arrived that was deep enough for sledding. I anxiously grabbed my new Snurfer, threw it over my shoulder, and began the long walk for Dead Mans Hill. I think every town has a Dead Mans Hill. Our Dead Mans Hill was about 100 yards long, very steep, with a wicked lip in the middle that made for some seriously dangerous jumps. The whole hill is covered in oak and maple tress, so veering off the narrow cleared path that runs straight down the center can get you killed.

It didn’t take long for all of the kids in the neighborhood to come and check out this odd ski that I was going to brave down Dead Mans Hill. They all thought I was crazy, and looking back, I’m pretty sure they were all right. Of course, I kept my cool and acted the fearless champion daredevil.

After a great deal of show and tell it was time to put my money where my mouth is and ride this new contraption down the narrow snow covered path the laid before me. I would be a hero if I could pull this off, and there was no turning back. I looked down the steep hill with the confidence of an Olympic Ski Jumper. The large group of kids stepped backwards away from me and the hill became deathly quit. A smaller group had gathered about half way down the hill, right at the peak of the natural lip that would surely launch me and my Snurfer skyward. Everything was in place, it was time.

I wrapped the white nylon cord that attached to the tip of the Snurfer around my wrist like a professional bull rider. There was no way it was going to get loose. I dropped the board to the ground and put my left foot on the forward area of white plastic cleats that rose up from the wood. I slid the board back and forth a couple of times to see how fast it would glide. It had no friction. This was going to be a very fast ride. I knew the minute that I lifted my right foot to the back of the board that gravity and the incredibly steep slope would take effect and my quick descent would begin. I took a deep breath and bent my knees. I held my right arm behind me, raising my hand as if to give the signal that I’m ready. I lifted my right foot to the board and instantly began to accelerate to an amazing speed. I barely managed to place it on the back cleats. I was off.

The wind rushed by my ears. I pulled the nylon rope tighter and bent my knees to an almost crouching position. The trees were blurry as they whizzed by on either side of me. I could barely hear the cheers of my friends as the board skimmed across the top of the snow faster and faster. My eyes began to focus through the tunnel vision on the upcoming jump. This is way too fast. O my god. Stay calm. My balance was perfect. The board was amazingly fast. My speed kept increasing faster and faster. Jesus. Here comes the jump. Get ready.

I’ll never really know how fast I was going when my board hit the jump that day. Over the next few years my friends would compare the great launch to a rocket ship blasting off into warp speed. To me, time stood still. It was as if God had hit the slow motion button so that he could enjoy every sadistic microsecond of this amazing event.

The short ramp of the jump went by in a blink, and with it the slicing sound of the snow under my board had disappeared into an eerie howl of wind as I took to the air. The ground seemed to simply fall away as I continued my ascent. Higher and higher I rose, climbing further into the tree tops and farther away from the descending slope of the hill far below me. My eyes grew wider. The howling slowed. I was reaching the peak of my incredible trajectory and I knew that descent was immanent.

You see, the Snurfer was an amazing invention oozing with potential that would soon come to be realized by thousands of avid snowboarders over the next 30 years; however it was not without a few minor design flaws that had suddenly become very apparent to me. It’s true, that while the little white plastic cleats that my shoes rested on would surely allow me traction for turning while on the hill, there was nothing to secure my feet to the board while airborne.

The death grip that my left hand had on the nylon rope was now pulling the nose of the board towards me and well away from back foot. My inexperience with weightlessness combined with the fact that my muscles were now petrified with fear was beginning to take its toll. Both feet were now well off the board. I began to descend at an alarming rate.

Again the wind rushed by my ears as I continued on the downward slope of my arc. I was dangerously high and there was nothing I could do about it now. My body was frozen in the same crouched position it had acquired before lift off. The rope was still in my hand, but I had no idea how far away my feet were from the one thing that might allow me to survive the impending impact that was quickly approaching. My eyes were wide with fear. My mouth opened but nothing came out. The ground was now racing towards me. There was nothing to do but wait for the impact.

It’s amazing how fast the brain can think when you’re in a state of extreme panic. Within the smallest fraction of an instant, 100’s of harsh impact scenarios were running through my distressed mind. I envisioned sharp broken bones penetrating through my violently ripped skin whilst my body cart wheeled end over end. What have I done? I don’t want to die. This is it. O god.

All though I could not see it, the very end of the tail of the Snurfer would be the first to hit the snow, scraping along like the angle of a large jet liner on touchdown. A split second later, and with a mighty thwacking sound my rear foot and then front foot squashed the remainder of the board unto the snow. My left hand was still holding the white nylon rope in a panicked death grip. My body frozen in the exact position I had assumed well before the launch with my right arm flying behind me like a cowboy in a rodeo. I was back on the snow, and with a mighty Fwwwish I was once again racing down the remainder of the hill.

I was going too fast and would soon run out of hill. My flight had caused me to gain an incredible amount of speed and I had never even thought to learn how to turn, much less stop. I held fast as I blurred unto the flat area at the bottom of the hill. There was no way I was going to stop in time before I would cross the street that was in front of me.

The road had been plowed the night before, and a slight pile of snow lined both sides of the street. In an instant my board and I were airborne as we lifted off the slight bank of snow. I quickly landed on the hard asphalt and slowly my board began to rotate counterclockwise. I had no traction on this surface. I was loosing my balance. I slid across the street sideways. Damn. Damn. I was too paniced to even look for the cars, not that it would have done any good.

The board and I grinded our way across the two lane road and crashed into the other snow bank. Smack! I flew up in the air, twirling and twisting from the harsh impact. Everything was blurry. I could see the world spinning around as I whirled about in the air. I abruptly stopped. Suddenly it was quite.

I remained motionless. Everything was dark. I knew that I had landed somewhere in the Church parking lot that was directly across the street from Dead Mans Hill. Why is it so dark? I waited for a rush of pain or even perhaps the warm dripping sensation of fresh blood. It never came. I sat up and wiped the snow that had caked up in my eyes. I was staring back up at the hill, the nylon rope still clenched in my hand.

Hooray! Hooray! That was so cool! My friends were all yelling and screaming as they ran towards me, their arms flailing about in the air. I rose to my feet and did a quick scan to check for broken bones. I was o.k., I had made it. I raised my arms in genuine triumph. I was a king. My Snurfer was still dangling from the end of the rope, in tact. She had made it, we both had made it. I held the board above my head with both arms and gave a mighty yell! Yes. Yes. Yes. That was excellent.

My friends all gathered around me in their multi-colored snow gear, yelling and screaming, patting me on the back, admiring the board in my hands as if it had mystical powers. They began to give me their extremely exaggerated perspectives on the mighty event. I held my head high and stared back up the hill. I had done it.

My friends would never know that it was pure fear that held my body in that cool tucked positions while in the air. To them it was pure poetry, natural skill and bravado. Who was I to deny them? My god that was cool. Let’s do it again.

Don't Tell Mom Your Getting Married until After You've Eaten

2005-03-20T22:06:00.000-06:00

Dinner didn’t go as planned. Why should it? Nothing ever goes as planned.

Note to self: stop planning.

Mom offered to take my daughters and I out to a local Italian joint for dinner. It’s nothing fancy just great food.

We were all starving after a great day of shopping at the mall. I bought both girls new shirts and let them go crazy shopping. Teens, there not hard to please if you have cash.

I wasn’t feeling very well. Walking around downtown Chicago last Wednesday landed me a monster head cold. I’m tuff, I can take it. Teens and a head cold, the joys of parenthood.

We drove to Angelino’s on US19 in Palm Harbor Florida. Great food at reasonable prices. I was excited about the Chicken Pasta. After a short wait we were seated in the middle of the room.

The girls were excited. Shopping had given them an appetite and they were ready to dig in. We ordered our food and the salads soon followed.

I was wondering when would be the best time to break the big news. In my head the speech was twirling around. The best way to do this was to just come out and say it. I figured the best time would be during the main course.

Our waitress laid down our plates overflowing with piping hot Italian food. It smelled delicious and even though I wasn’t feeling well I knew that I could do some real damage. We started to dig in.

Now’s the time. I’m going to do it.

I looked across the table at my youngest daughter. My mom was sitting next to me, Cassi across from her. I was cutting into my chicken while talking. I had that “a matter of fact” tone.

“I have some big news”, I said.

Cassandra got a nasty look. She’s obviously not pleased about his marriage and she’s been waiting to see how my Mom will lay into me. This is the moment she’s been waiting for.

“It’s good news. Tuesday, I’m getting married”.

Silence.

My mom throws her fork into her plate as if it became white hot. The drama had begun. She was offended and she wanted the whole resteraunt to know about.

I continued eating. Cassi was smiling. My youngest was surprised but happy.

My mom starred forward as if possessed. “How long have you know about this?” she said.

“How long have I known about this?” I replied. “What? Why does that matter? I guess since I proposed.”

This was her first reaction. Nothing was logical about it, but then again, logic and my mother are rarely used in the same sentence. I guess that she was hoping to add deceit into my list of sins.

She continued to stare off. Her food sat in front of her untouched. My daughters continued to eat through the very awkward silence.

I was embarrassed. My youngest daughter was obviously uncomfortable with my moms reaction. Cassi was thrilled; this was going even better than she had hoped.

A very long period of silence went by.

“I was hoping you were going to be happy for me. I guess that’s not going to happen. What’s the problem?” I offered.

“It’s only the biggest moment of my life” she said with conviction. “My sons getting married and I’m not invited”

Cue violins.

“Nobody is invited mom. Just Nanci and I are going to be there. Cassi didn’t want to be there anyways.”

Cassi nodded her head in agreement, still thrilled with the wrath that her Nana was unveiling upon her father.

“Is it legal?” she said while still staring off into outerspace.

“yes mom, it’s very legal. In Colorado you can do it yourself, and that’s what we are doing. I was hoping you were going to be happy for me, but I guess I was hoping for to much.”

I had to throw some guilt back at her, even though it had no effect.

“I can’t figure out why you’re so surprised. I assumed Cassi would have already told you.” I called her bluff.

“Well she did, but you know” was her answer.

Another very long silence as we finished our dinner.

“Why aren’t you eating?” I asked

“I’m not hungry” her final words of the night.

The check came and I decided that I was buying dinner. Considering that I had obviously ruined it, it seemed the right thing to do.

It was a long uncomfortable ride home. Mom didn’t say a word for the rest of the night. I joined my daughters for videos in their bedroom before leaving to hook up with some friends.

Moral of the story. Don’t tell Mom you’re getting married until after the desert is finished.

Tonight I fly back to Chicago to be with Nanci. I’ll miss my daughters, but I’m glad to be leaving. Tuesday we fly to Vail to be married. I’m glad we didn’t invite my family.

Um, Mom, I'm getting married.

2005-03-19T18:47:00.000-06:00

I’m in Florida, wow, it’s nice to be in the warm air again. Chicago winters are brutal.

We picked up my youngest daughter and drove up to Palm Harbor. My daughters don’t look like little green beans anymore; somehow they grew up when I wasn’t looking. Before me are two beautiful young women.

Que Dr. Smith “O, the pain!”

The big dinner is tonight. Mom has offered to take us all out for Italian. Somewhere between the salad and the pasta I’ll inform my mom and my youngest daughter about my eloping to Colorado. I’m positive that Cassi has already told my mom about what’s going on, so this shouldn’t be a surprise.

I’m excited about getting married, but nervous about telling my mom. I’m sure that my youngest daughter will be cool with the idea, she’s a great kid, but mom, well, that’s a different story. Just like a bad soap opera, my mom is full of needless drama.

This should be fun.

You would think that your parents should be excited about things. I mean, I waited 39 years to ask a girl to marry me; I’m not exactly rushing into anything here.

The problem is going to be the fact that Nanci and I aren’t having a traditional wedding. We aren’t inviting anybody. We can’t afford it, even if we wanted to. This is just for us, the way it should be. I’m afraid that my mom is going to be offended.

The idea is that Nanci and I will fly into Eagle Colorado. We’ll pick up our marriage license and then drive to Vail Colorado. Somewhere in the mountains between eagle and Vail we will marry ourselves.

In Colorado, you do not need a justice of the peace, priest, or even witnesses. You can do the whole thing yourself, and that sounds like a great idea to us. We aren’t exactly loaded since we moved here, so money is tight and a big wedding is simply out of the question. With this method, Nanci and I can have a romantic wedding and still afford a whopping 3 day honeymoon skiing in Vail.

Sure, the family will miss the Chicken dance and Nanci and I will by short a couple of bread makers, but this is OUR wedding. Isn’t it?

Let’s see how the family takes it.

I'm off to Florida

2005-03-18T17:23:00.000-06:00

It’s Friday, March 18th. I’ve been officially engaged for two days now. Odd, I don’t really feel different.

This is going to be a big weekend. I will be telling my mom that I am eloping with fiancé’ to Colorado to get married. O, she’ll love this.

Today, I fly with my daughter Cassi and my fiancé’s son Rylan into St. Petersburg/Clearwater airport. Rylan’s dad is driving up from SW Florida to pick him up for Spring Break. Cassi, the teenage popularity queen, will be spending Spring Break with my mom who lives in Palm Harbor.

Cassi considers my mom her mom, and for good reason. My mom has been the female figure for most of her life. Girlfriends have come and gone and “nana” has always been there. Problem is, that this situation has caused nothing but problems for my girlfriends. Cassi refuses to be close to them, and most of the time resorts to being rude and offensive to them. The joys of parenthood.

The plan is simple. I’ll drop off Rylan with his dad. I’ll drive my mom and Cassi to St. Petersburg where we will pick up my youngest daughter Alyssa. I haven’t had a chance to see Alyssa since I moved to Chicago, so I’m really looking forward seeing her. I miss her terribly.

I plan on taking the family to dinner, where I will break the news to my mom. Knowing full well that Cassi has already informed my mom of this horrible event, I don’t expect her to be surprised.

This promises to be an interesting weekend.

I'm Officially Engaged!

2005-03-17T14:07:00.000-06:00

Well I did it. I’m officially engaged, which is a good thing, considering I’m getting married next Tuesday.

As with most of the plans in my life, yesterday’s big proposal plans fell apart. I’m engaged, but it wasn’t easy. Here’s what happened.

Wednesday morning, it’s freezing cold outside, overcast and grey, with a heavy wind blowing and even some light rain. I was dressed to the nines. I had on my best black leather dress shoes, black tux pants, a white starched shirt with red paisley tie. My Italian black leather suite coat type jacket completed the formal attire. Yes man, I looked like a million bucks as I headed out the door to catch the 10:15 train from Barrington to Downtown Chicago.

Just moments out the door I realized this was going to be a very cold long day. It’s too late to turn back; the train wouldn’t wait for me to change clothes. I had to keep going; it’s a 10 minute walk to the local station and I hadn’t a minute to loose. I pat myself down to make sure I have everything I need and begin the brisk walk to the station.

The old Chicago North Western METRA train would arrive right on-time. I had purchased my round trip tickets with the PayPal debit card inside the Barrington Station. It was my first test of the card, and I was pleased that the transaction went through, a good sign. I quickly climbed on the train and grabbed a single window seat upstairs.

The train car is almost empty. A mother sitting downstairs is talking to her young son about the museum that they are going to visit later. He seems more interested in looking out the green tinted window at the blurry landscape screaming by. I remember riding with my mom downtown to have lunch at Marshall Fields under the big Christmas tree.

I notice that the train always smells the same, like a cross between old newspaper and stale air. I like that weird smell, it reminds me of summer break in high school when I would take the same train downtown for my job at the Board of Trade. How can it smell the same after all these years? It even looks the same. I’m on my way.

The hour long train ride downtown seems to fly by. I must admit to being a little nervous carrying around a $10,000 loose diamond in my shirt pocket. I frequently take it out and unfolded the small white paper envelope that protects the stone. It’s odd to me that diamond dealers fold the diamonds up in paper the exact same way that cocaine dealers used to do it back in the 80’s and 90’s. I guess there both a little shadier than either would care to admit.

The stone looks great; the light bounces off it like crazy as it rolls around in the palm of my hand. I wonder what someone would think if they saw this dressed up guy in a black leather jacket hunched over looking at diamonds. I felt cool, like a big money gangster with a shady deal. All I needed was a chrome plated 9mm to complete the fantasy.

The train arrives in downtown Chicago. Its 11:25 and I’m going to need to hurry if I’m going to stay on schedule. I step off the train and begin the fast walk through the dark noisy terminal. Even though the train stops inside of a partially enclosed area, I could feel the cold wind ripping through the station. The station reeks of diesel fuel and cigarettes. It was going to be a very cold day. I began the long walk from the train station to Jewelers Row and my meeting with Michael the Asian jeweler who would be mounting Nanci’s stone in the new setting. I hope everything goes o.k. I’m nervous.

They call Chicago the Windy City, and for damn good reason, the wind feels like it could rip the skin right off of your face. My leather suit coat jacket keeps blowing open and I constantly put my hand over my shirt pocket to make sure that the little white piece of paper with the expensive stone is still in place. I hope I’m not being too obvious. Damn it’s cold. What a gloomy day for a proposal.

I arrived at Jewelers Row which is directly under the elevated train tracks, and quickly hunt down the correct address. I open the generic glass door and enter into a large store filled with many display cases and dozens of eager eyes hoping to catch my glance. Fresh meat.

This place is like a Chinese mini mall, with many jewelers renting a small area to display their wares all under the same roof. With a little apprehension I ask the well dressed Indian lady in the first booth for Michael. She points her dark boney finger down the isle and doesn’t say a word. She resembled the grim reaper with a jewelry fetish. Her extended fingernail was grotesquely long with some crazy swirling multi-colored design that I couldn’t make out. Several cheesy gold rings were still rattling against each other, held secure by the size of her large knuckle. I managed a polite smile, ducked under the finger and headed down the isle.

The isle is long and on my way I periodically look into the many display cases. Desperate little shop owners all try to get my attention and the hopeful sale. I’m reminded of the flea markets in Florida. All I need is a corn dog.

Michael’s booth is in the far back of the store on the left. He has a very small display case alongside of his large wooden work bench, a cash register, and plenty of tools and machines all along the back wall. It’s extremely dirty behind the counter with odds and ends lying all over the place. This booth has the look of a work shop that has been so busy that nobody has had time to clean it, ever.

Michael looks up from his wooden work bench that is surrounded by a plexiglass shield and introduces himself to me. He can’t weigh 90lbs, with short black hair, cheap grey dress slacks and a light blue short sleeve generic work shirt that looks like it was purchased off the sale rack at K-Mart. The palms of his hands are completely black and stained from his work. Out of habit I offer to shake his hand, he offers instead the cool knuckle pound. I think I’m nervous again.

Michael is quick to smile and remembers me from our phone conversation. He turns around and begins to frantically rummage through the many tiny manila envelopes lying between the metal working machines on the back wall. Michael is one of those people that move very quickly, always with a purpose, as if time is running out on his day and he has too much work still to do. I can’t help but feel that I might have made a mistake. Michael finds the correct envelope and empties the white gold ring into the palm of his dirty hand, proudly showing it to me for approval. All I can see is his dirty black hands.

I remove my white envelope containing the diamond from my shirt pocket and hand it to Michael. He quickly empties the stone into his blackened hand while using his other hand to set it in the mount for a quick look. He’s obviously impressed with the stone and comments on how nice it will look. Without blinking an eye, he quickly sits back down at his wooden work bench and begins to modify the ring to fit the stone.

It doesn’t take me long to realize that Michael knows exactly what he is doing. He works quickly, but very carefully, and shows great skill when it comes to his trade. After a ½ an hour of grinding, hammering, polishing and pulling, he tries the finished ring out next to the wedding band, to make sure it fits. Nanci had picked a “sleeve” type wedding band that the engagement ring will fit inside. It’s important that they fit correctly, and Michael makes several small adjustments in order to get it perfect.

I’m soon presented with the finished product, and it looks fantastic. It’s clear that I got a great deal, the ring is very impressive. Michael suggests that I examine the ring with the Jewelers Loop, a small magnifying glass that is held close the eye. After months of looking at dozens of diamonds I’ve become an expert with the loop and feel quit comfortable in its use. I know what to look for. I quickly put the device to my eye and closely examine Michael’s keen craftsmanship under the florescent light on his counter. He comments “I can see by how you use the Loop that you know what you are doing. Good, I can tell you will appreciate my work.” He’s correct, his work is flawless, and I’m impressed. The diamond looks huge in the setting; Nanci is going to love it.

My first impression of Michael was all wrong; he’s a true artist and businessman with great skill. He finished up the project by cleaning the ring in various vats of liquid then blowing it under high pressure air. I felt a little a paranoid watching the ring get banged and dipped, and then finally inserted under the high pressure air. Wouldn’t this blow the stone clear off? Are you supposed to be so ruff with jewelry? Man, it looks great.

I have no problem pulling the mighty PayPal debit card once again from my wallet to pay his more than reasonable fee. This same job would have cost me 3 times as much anywhere else, and I doubt they would have done as good of a job. With a quick signature and a hardy thank you, we do the cool knuckle pound once again and I’m on my way out of the store and into the dreary cold Chicago streets. It’s time to find a horse drawn carriage.

As I’m walking down the sidewalk I take a quick mental check. I still have enough left on the card for the roses, as well as, the horse drawn carriage ride. If I play my cards right, I should still have a tiny bit left for Nanci’s wedding present. It’s going to be close.

Having a finished engagement ring in my pocket felt empowering. I felt like a man on a mission. I seemed to be more important. I held my head very high. I walked very fast. A huge grin came across my face as though I knew something that nobody else knew. I couldn’t wait to give Nanci this ring; she’ll love it.

I had tried to call and reserve one of the beautiful carriages that roam the Chicago streets, but not a single one of the companies answered their phone. Their websites pointed me to various street locations where they could be found, so my goal was to walk to the locations and hopefully score a good one to take to Nanci’s work. It’s Wednesday, how hard could it be?

After 3 tries and still no carriage I finally asked a large black Chicago Police officer where I might find a horse drawn carriage. He said that the best place was on the other side of the river, about a mile away. My feet were already sore from walking so fast in my dress shoes. I was on a mission, I must press on.

I crossed the pungent green Chicago River and arrived at my destination. The officer was correct; there were plenty of horse drawn carriages in the area. The problem was that they were all taken.

For an hour I tried to score a free carriage without luck. Time was running out. It was already too late for a lunch date with Nanci, now I was just trying to get anything. Finally a beautiful white carriage stopped. It was perfect! I ran to the man dressed in some bazaar 1800’s outfit with a white top hat and tails. Unfortunately this ride was already booked, but he could call their other carriage and have me hooked up with a ride in 10 minutes. GREAT! Make it happen.

I’m excited. This is going to work out. I’ll call Nanci while I’m on my way in the carriage. Its’ going to be o.k. Man, am I good.

10 minutes later, here comes the carriage. O NO! A large black horse, driven by a man who looked like a chimney sweep, was pulling a large jet black wooden carriage. This thing looked a hearse from 1776. The carriage was faded and the paint was pealing off. Bring out your dead, bring out yer dead. The horse was old and bored with a large black feather plume towering from the top of his head like some goolish equestrian vegas showgirl. I stood there frozen. The horse looked at me with its large black eye as if to say, “Dude, don’t do it.”

I wanted Cinderella’s Carriage, not some vehicle that delivered plague victims to their final resting place.

Now what do I do?

A look at my watch and I realized my plans were falling apart fast. I need to be like a Marine, I need to improvise. A cab, I need a cab. I’ll take a cab to her work, and I’ll invite her to launch. I can still pull this off. It will still be surprise, just not very romantic. I’ll take her to a romantic lunch. It will be o.k. Wait, its’ way past lunch. Screw it, I’ll ask her anyways.

The cab ride takes a while and I realize that I have walked a very long way and wasted more time than I had planned. I had less than an hour to find Nanci, propose, and catch the train home in time to pick up the kids from daycare. I can do it. It will be o.k.

The cab drops me off outside of 311 S. Wacker. I had forgotten to call her; my brain is racing to fast. I have to think.

I call her on my cell phone. “Hi, where are you?” she says. She can hear the traffic in the background. She must know something is up. My brain is racing. I need to be slick.

“I’m waiting for you”

“at home?”

“naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” I said in some weird tone like a 5 year old on steroids.

She could tell something was wrong here. I could hear it in her voice. She knew something was up. I was acting weird. Why am I talking like this? I’m screwed.

“Where are you?”

“I’m downtown, wanna go for lunch?”

“What?, O, I can’t, I have to do a showing. Lunch was 2 hours ago. What are you doing downtown?”

I was busted. She knew I was downtown for some reason, most likely to propose. She had to show some property to a client and there was nothing I could do about it. My plans were falling apart fast. This was my last chance.

“Well, can’t you meet me for coffee or something?”

“Maybe I can after the showing. It will take me about a ½ an hour. Do you want to meet me at Starbucks?”

“Yeah, o.k. That works”.

So, I got my chance. I decided that since I had time to kill that I could run across the street to the Sears Tower and pick up a dozen roses. I might not have the carriage, but I can still make this happen.

With a dozen roses in hand, I sit just outside the Starbucks inside her office building. There are several black metal coffee tables outside that look out the huge glass windows and over a small stretch of lawn. I never felt so awkward in all my life. In my head I was running through all the ways that I could do this and still come across as romantic. Nothing was coming to mind. My foot was tapping at high speed on the tile floor. I kept looking to see if she was coming.

Nanci came walking around the corner. She was wearing a long winter coat, her blond hair was just a little windblown and I could see a huge smile on her face even though she was still a good distance away. I stood up and smiled.

I’m not a guy who runs out of things to say, but I was speechless. She approached and I gave her a hello kiss. What a great smile. I handed her the box of roses.

“What are you doing here?’ she said as she took the box of roses.

She knows. She has to know. I’m busted. What should I say? I sit back down and my brain races. Cover your tracks; you can still pull this off.

“The diamond arrived, so I came down to try and get a setting.”

“You look nice” she said, still smiling and admiring the beautiful roses.

I’ll play it cool.

“O, thanks. Well, you know. I’m trying to play the part with these dealers. How was your showing?”.

My face is flushing. I can feel the blood rushing to my face. She can tell, she has to be able to tell. I’m not doing very well. This is not very convincing. Should I propose here? Should I just drop down on my knee and do it? I think she answered me, but I have no idea what she said.

“Do you want to go sit downstairs by the waterfall?” I suggested.

This building has a beautiful waterfall that rises for several stories up in the middle of the large glass lobby. It’s really something to see, and the most romantic place that I could come up with to propose on such short notice.

We make our way down the escalator to the downstairs seating. Several employees are taking a break a few tables away. There is no way I can propose with them so close. I need to keep stalling. The sound of the water rushing down into the pool is very loud. The seating area has several tables and trees along with a small restaurant that is completely empty. Nanci and I sit facing each other. There is nothing in between us. I keep stalling; meanwhile my hand is fumbling in my pocket getting the engagement ring. I manage to slip it on to the tip of my little finger. This will make it easy when its’ time.

Nanci is excited to see me, and she’s buying the shopping for a ring story. I’m sure she can tell that something is wrong, I’m acting weird.

“Did you get a setting?” she asked

“Well, I’m looking hard, but you know how it is”

I’m not even thinking about what I’m saying. I’m feeling flush. In my head is a little director holding a clip board giving me the stretch signal.

The group of employees that were sitting near us has finished their break. They stand up and walk away. The place is empty. NOW! Do it now!

In a fluid movement I slide my butt of the metal seat and quickly down on to one knee. I’m already holding her hand. She turns bright red, almost panicked. Its’ too late to turn back now.

“Nanci Evron, I love you more than anything in this whole world. Will you marry me?”.

I produce the ring and with magician like accuracy remove it from my pinky and hold it with my index finger. It sparkles like crazy under the fluorescent lights. Wait, did she answer me? I’m still on my knees. What do I do now?

We start to kiss. We’re giggling like school kids. This is great! She’s very happy. Wow, her face is red. I’m sure mine is too.

“aren’t you going to put it on my finger?” she says with the sweetest smile.

I start to put the ring on her finger. It fits perfectly. Wow, the stone looks big.

“Don’t you have to say yes first?”

“I did say yes. Didn’t you hear me?”.

Truthfully, it’s all a blur. She said yes and we laughed and kissed as I told her about my whole day. I’m not sure about everything we said, my brain was mush. I know that I had a whole speech that I was going to say when I proposed, but when I opened my mouth, only the one short sentence came out. It was a good sentence though.

Nanci had to get back to work and I walked her upstairs to her escalator. I took a couple of pictures of us with my camera phone. She looked so happy and beautiful. I couldn’t help but feel that I was the luckiest man in the world.

What a great day! The best.

.
.
.

Today is a good day to propose.

2005-03-16T09:29:00.000-06:00

Today is the day to propose.
Panic sets in.

Good news. My PayPal debit card arrived today. I had sold tons of my old music gear on ebay without Nanci knowing. The profit is sitting in my PayPal account. This debit card will allow me to buy the white gold setting that she is hoping for, all without her knowing it. I figure that I have enough to buy the setting, mount the diamond, size it, and still have a couple of hundred bucks left over for a wedding present.

Now that I have some coin to work with, the game is on.

Since my cash is very limited, I know I have to find a good deal on this setting. I had done an amazing amount of research while I was pricing the diamond and found that the best way, and the most cost effective way to get the setting was to go to an independent jewelry downtown on jewelers row in Chicago.

I just made some calls, and found a small jeweler who can do this for me. The game is on. I have a plan.

Here’s the deal. I’ll get dressed up in my best clothes, nice pants, work shirt, tie, the whole nine yards. With Debit Card in hand, and a 1.5 carat princess cut diamond in my pocket, I’ll take the train downtown to Jewelers row.

I’m to meet with the jeweler at 10:30 am. He figures it will take about an hour to do the setting. I’ve tried to call some horse and carriage companies to rent one to propose to Nanci in, but nobody is answering the phone. I’ll pick one up on the street, they are not hard to find.

The plan.
Ring in hand, I’ll take the carriage to Nanci’s work. I’ll call her to meet me for lunch, and when she comes downstairs I’ll have a dozen roses, carriage, and a ring.

I know that as soon as she hears I’m downtown she’ll be suspecting the proposal. Since she knows where getting married on Tuesday March 22nd, she must know it’s coming soon. This is not going to be an easy surprise.

Wish me luck.
I’m out the door.

How to propose?

2005-03-15T11:19:00.000-06:00

I told Nanci that the diamond I had ordered hadn’t arrived yet, however it arrived earlier last week. This is my lame attempt at surprising her with the “official” on my knees, ring in hand, proposal. You see, when we first met, she told me that her only requirement was that she be surprised when I proposed.

Of course, this sent my mind reeling, coming up with crazy ways to propose. Shall I hide the ring in food? Shall I hire a sky writer? One night while watching her favorite TV show, “Friends”, the episode came on where Feebies boyfriend was trying all these same crazy ways to propose. He was failing. Nanci commented to me that I should never try to do any lame ideas like that. Great.

All I know is that I only have until Friday to get the stone mounted, ring sized, and do the official proposal, before I fly out on Friday night to drop the kids off in Florida.

I'm Getting Married!

2005-03-14T09:14:00.000-06:00

Holy Shit! I’m getting married!
On March 22nd, my saint like girlfriend Nanci and I will be flying into Eagle Colorado to get married. I’m really looking forward to it. The cool part is that in Colorado you do not need a justice of the peace, priest, or notary, to get married. You can do the ceremony yourselves, without witnesses. How can you beat that?
Rather than put on some ridiculous show for our families and dress ourselves up in bunch of ugly rental tuxedo’s that I would never wear anyways, we have decided to do this on our own, for ourselves. I’m sure Ma Narley will be pleased! Not!
The plan is to find a good spot high up in the Rockies and tie the not. I love Colorado and especially the Rocky Mountains. We couldn’t have picked a better place to do this.
Wish me luck, after 39 years of being single I have finally surrendered to family life.
Was that the earth just shifting on its axis?

Motley Crue - Tour Dates and Pre-Sale Ticket Information

2005-03-02T18:33:00.000-06:00

Motley Crue "The Loudest Show on Earth" presents the Carnival of Sin Tour.
Word has it that the Crue is putting on one hell of a show. Personally, I'm damn glad that they are back together and playing out again. How about it? The Crue back on stage. It's been way to long. If you're like me, and would love to see The Crue, I can help you score advance tickets. Simply click below for Tour Dates and links to buy Pre-Sale Tickets. It will even show the password for the week.

Motley Crue Pre-Sale
This weeks Password: 22Sins

MUDVAYNE Headline Tour Pre-sales

2005-02-23T09:44:00.000-06:00

Hey fellow MUDVAYNE fans...
I just got word from the MUDVAYNE gang that more Headline Dates will be available for Pre-sale Wednesday Fenruary 23rd at 5pm EST.

and YOU can get first crack at the tickets..

Sun 04/03/05 East Peoria, IL East Peoria Convention Center
Tue 04/05/05 Toronto, ON Kool Haus
Wed 04/06/05 Montreal, QC Metropolis
Fri 04/08/05 Hartford, CT Webster Theater
Sat 04/09/05 Philadelphia, PA Electric Factory
Sun 04/10/05 Worcester, MA The Palladium
Tue 04/12/05 New York, NY Roseland
Wed 04/13/05 Washington, DC 9:30 Club
Sat 04/16/05 Norfolk, VA Norva

Tickets for these shows can be pre-ordered here.https://tix.artistarena.com/mudvayne/
username mudvayne
password april12

Stay tuned for more!

ALSO, GET YOUR ULTIMATE LOST AND FOUND FAN PACK INCLUDING: THE NEW LOST AND FOUND CD, MUDVAYNE T-SHIRT, AND LIMITED EDITION GUERILLA TOUR POSTER ONLY WHILE THEY LAST AT THE MUDVAYNE STORE!
http://www.mudvayne.com/store

47th Annual GRAMMY Rock Awards

2005-02-15T08:39:00.000-06:00

So, it’s all over but the crying, and those who won a GRAMMY are forever immortalized in music history. Well, at least until next year. It takes the patience of Jobe to sit through the entire long, agonizing, painful, process, just to hear the awards for the Rock Categories. Good news, I managed so make it through the whole show and it only took 2 Jack and Cokes with a side order of Valium.

Here’s how it worked out.

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
(For a solo vocal performance, Singles or Tracks only.)

The Grammy went to….
Code Of Silence
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: The Essential Bruce Springsteen
[Columbia Records]

I’m sorry, but WHAT?!?!
True, Bruce is a genius at songwriting and his live performances have set the standard for what a rock concert should be, however I have a hard time calling anything that he has written or performed in the last 20 years as ROCK. Maybe it’s time to create a new category called “Old Fart Almost Rock”. I think we could fit a couple of Grammy winners in that category. There are a lot of things you can admire about Mr. Springsteen, however his Vocals aren’t really one of them. I put him in the Joe Cocker category of “Hey, if he can do it, anybody can”. Considering that he was up against such huge ROCK vocal giants as Ryan Adams?, Steve Earle?, and Melissa Etheridge?, I guess we were better of with the Bruce. Hey, does anybody at the Recording Academy listen to Rock anymore?

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
(For duo, group or collaborative performances, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)

The Grammy Went to…
Vertigo
U2
[Interscope Records]

This makes number 15 for Bono and the boys and a worthy victory considering they were up against Killer, Franz Ferdinand, Elvis Costello, and Green Day. Look at the contenders, I’m glad to see U2 got the Grammy. Let’s face it, at least their still rocking. It was nice to see Elvis in the lineup, but he’s a prime candidate for my new category.

Best Hard Rock Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)

The Grammy goes to…
Slither
Velvet Revolver
[RCA]

Hell Yeah! Here’s a worthy Grammy, and the band deserves it. Nobody can argue the fact that Velvet Revolver is all about the rock, and their new album is a testament to the way it should be done. I’m glad to see this win, and only wish that they would have been nominated for many more.

Best Metal Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)

The Grammy goes to…
Whiplash
Motörhead
[Big Deal Records]

Motörhead?!?! Holy shit Batman, maybe the Academy is listening to Rock. Motörhead has been throwing out Metal for years and it’s great to see the Grammy go to the warlords of Rock and Roll. Congratulations Guys! I got the first round. It’s an impressive win considering they were up against some seriously appropriate competition from; Slipknot, Hatebreed, Killswitch Engage and Cradle of Filth. What a lineup! I only wish that the other categories would have had such a great talent up for the awards.
Cradle of Filth up for a Grammy? Who would have thought? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? Or just the realization of the progression of Rock music and the talented artists that are in the trenches everyday.

Best Rock Instrumental Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, without vocals. Includes Rock, Hard Rock and Metal. Singles or Tracks only.)

The Grammy goes to…
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow
Brian Wilson
Track from: Brian Wilson Presents Smile[Nonesuch Records]

WHAT?!?! Brian Wilson. Yeah, Pet Songs was brilliant, 40 Fucking Years ago! Let’s face it; this guy’s operating system has more bugs in it than Windows 98. If this is ROCK, my ass shits buttermilk. I know that it’s great to honor these artists that have brought us to where we are today, but holy shit, this guy is the walking dead! They should have shown his picture along side of Ray during the “Artists we lost” part of the show. Get a fucking clue people, please. Once again, Brian should have been nominated under my new field “Old Fart Almost Rock”, under the category “Best Instrumental from a lobotomized hippy”.
I can’t help but feel any of the other jam masters nominated should have won, like; The Allman Brothers Band, RUSH, Steve Vai, maybe even Los Lonely Boys… maybe not.
Brian Wilson?!?! Fuck me.

Best Rock Song
(A Songwriter(s) Award. Includes Rock, Hard Rock & Metal songs. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. (Artist names appear in parenthesis.) Singles or Tracks only.)

The Grammy goes to..
Vertigo
Bono, Adam Clayton, The Edge & Larry Mullen, songwriters (U2)
[Interscope Records; Publisher: Universal Polygram International Publishing.]

Here is another impressive win for U2, which brings the total GRAMMY number up to 16. That will keep your contract going. It’s a great song and all, but I would have rather seen nominee Velvet Revolver score the award for “Fall To Pieces” off of Contraband. Other nominee’s were; Green Day for the title track off of American Idiot, Killers, and Modest Mouse.
At least Modest Mouse didn’t win.. those guys suck balls!

Best Rock Album
(Vocal or Instrumental. Includes Hard Rock and Metal.)

The Grammy goes to...
American Idiot
Green Day
[Reprise Records]

What can I say, I actually like Green Day. Their no bullshit approach to the music has had me rock’n out in my car more times that I should admit. Any band that just plugs a guitar straight into a Marshall stack can’t be all bad. Congratulations guys!
They were up against some serious talent; Velvet Revolver, Hoobastank, Killers, and even Elvis Costello. I would have been happy with either Green Day or Velvet Revolver, although I was rooting for Velvet Revolver on this one. Green Day’s sound hasn’t changed a lick since their first release, not that it needs too, however Velvet Revolver’s Contraband album is genius, layered in amazing rock chemistry that was more than worthy of a win. My sympathies go out to Velvet Revolver, maybe next time guys.
Keep up the great work! We’ve missed you all.

In summations I would like to say that the GRAMMY’S need an enema. If they can divide rock music into Rock and Alternative, then divide it up so more and get those damn old farts out of the mix. Yes, they do fantastic work and are worthy of a GRAMMY, but not in the ROCK category. Rock has changed people; it will always keep changing, and the Grammy’s need to change with it.

I must admit, there has been improvement. Who would have thought that Cradle of Filth would have ever been mentioned at the Grammy’s, but there they were, and it was damn good to see them on the list. It gives hope for the rest of us hard core rock freaks who are trying to do something different and play to a different tune. Let’s see more.

I don’t agree with many of the Academy’s choices, and that’s o.k. They probably wouldn’t agree with many of mine either. Music is personal, and how we define our different musical taste is as varied as the notes on my 7 string guitar. I believe that MP3 downloads will open up the world to new music that the corporations would have never shown us. The Academy does not. Hey man, maybe it’s time for a mutiny. How does “THE ROCK AWARDS” sound?

For more information on the GRAMMY’s:
The GRAMMY’s
What’s the Download

For more information on Bob Narley:
Bob Narley

The New Comedy CD

2005-02-12T22:46:00.000-06:00

I just got news today that 3 of my original comedy productions have been chosen to be included on a brand new nationally distributed comedy CD showcasing exceptional comedy radio productions.

The company that is putting the CD together originally ran a contest looking for the best comedy radio productions, with a sweet $10,000 first prize. Man, I wanted that prize. My Harley would have looked great with some new rims. Of the top 5 places, I scored 2, 3, and 5. I must admit the first place winner had a great comedy bit called “Blond Star”, a parody spot of “On Star”, the car security system. It was very funny and a worthy winner, so I didn’t feel so bad coming in second place behind it. Maybe I’ll get the new rims next year.

The companies that are producing the CD are; All Comedy Radio and New Radio Star. All Comedy Radio, otherwise known as “All Comedy Networks, Inc.”, syndicated their 24/7 comedy radio to about 105 affiliates, mostly AM, out of Hollywood California.

Out of 500 entries, only 40 were selected to make the CD. Of the 40, 3 are mine.

So, the question is, Do I allow my comedy productions to be a part of their CD?

The downside is that the amount of money that I could make from this deal is really pathetic. 1/3 of the revenue goes to All Comedy Radio, 1/3 of the revenue goes to New Radio Star, by the way, New Radio Star is just another company owned by All Comedy Radio, and 1/3 of the revenue goes to all of contributors with each of us getting a percentage of that 1/3 share based on how many entries that we have.

Let’s do the math.
Out of every dollar, .66 cents goes to the owners of All Comedy Radio and New Radio Star. Not a bad haul for not contributing anything but the up front costs of manufacturing the CD and some promotion.

Let’s see what I make out of a dollar. 1/3 of the dollar is for all of us contributors. So that’s 33 cents. There are 40 of us, which means that 40 of us divide the 33 cents. (33/40= .825) That means that each entry gets .8 cents, or less than a penny out of every dollar. I’m lucky; I have 3 entries, so I make a whopping 2.4 cents from each dollar.

I must admit, 2 ½ percent doesn’t sound like much at all. In fact, it’s 7 ½ percent less than Amazon pays out on its affiliate program.

So, now the question is “Is it worth it?”
The truth is, most bands only receive about 7 cents on the dollar for every album they sell, and that is split between the members. If you look at it that way, it’s almost fair. However, from my perspective, I sell my comedy bits on a market exclusive basis for $250. This company will have to sell 1000 CD’s at $10 each, per market, for me to make that money back. We can also look at it this way. I sell my comedy CD’s for $10. They cost me $1.67 to produce, the same that it will cost them. I make $8.33 profit per CD. With about 14 songs and comedy bits per CD, that comes to 59 Cents a bit, or 73 times more than I will make per bit with them. Financially, it’s not that great a proposition.

I have never thought that doing my comedy was about making the most amount of money possible. In fact, I usually spend more money than I make on equipment and other costs associated with creating these comedy productions. I make the comedy because I love to do it, and supplement the cost of the productions with my radio salary. It’s never been about the money, or I would have quit a very long time ago. I think you will find that true of many comedians and musicians.

The real value in allowing my comedy productions to be included on this CD is the exposure. I really like what All Comedy Radio is doing and support their effort. They do a great job promoting comedians and comedy producers, and they provide an awesome venue for comedy material to be exposed over radio. I really believe that having my material included on this CD could possibly open some doors and even expose my material to a whole new audience. It’s for that reason alone that I have decided to allow All Comedy Radio and New Radio Star to include my 3 comedy production on their new Comedy Showcase CD.

Maybe I’ll get those new rims after all. Maybe somebody will hire to do comedy voice over work. Maybe I’ll be able to buy a new production computer for the studio. Hell, I’d be happy to see anything at this point.

The moral of the story, do what you love because you love to do it, not because of the money. Or, don’t quit your day job freak.

You can hear the comedy pieces yourself.

Behind Red Eyes - Parody Song of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes"
I really loved this parody song. I actually performed all the instruments and vocals, and produced the whole thing in my digital production studio. It was a favorite of my listeners at WRQC-FM.

Bob Narley's Kids Kamp - Smoke'n Cock Bar-B-Q
These two parody commercials were created with the help of my good friend and partner in crime, PUCK. Several other popular parody commercials are also listed on the page. Enjoy!

A complete archive of my comedy work and parody songs can be found on my website at http://www.bobnarley.com

Who Cut the Balls Off of Rock Radio?

2005-02-08T11:37:00.000-06:00

I'm in mourning. I wear a lot of black clothing anyways, but now it seems more purposeful, more appropriate. Today, I feel the overpowering need to send a Hallmark card with some odd poem conveying my most sincere condolences to rock radio stations all over America. For rock radio is dead! It was brutally murdered. Someone came along and with a mighty whack, cut off it's balls, dropping it down onto it's knee's and leaving it to slowly bleed to death over the airwaves. Tune in your favorite station, and somewhere in between the latest Mudvayne and AC/DC you can actually listen to it's final pitiful breaths filtered through the warm FM compression, weak and powerless, to far gone to even gasp for help.

Sure, the music is still there, the loud guitars and heavy drums, but everything else that made rock radio so great is gone. Don't get me wrong, I love the music, I live for rock music, however if I just wanted to hear the music I could load 5000 of my favorite rock songs, all in a crisp CD quality stereo mp3 format, right into my tiny IPOD, and I could listen all day without hearing a single Levitra or ITT Technical Institute commercial. Rock radio is far more than just the music, it's about an attitude, and a lifestyle, it's about rebellion, and living your life by your own rules. It's about saying "fuck the man!". We tuned in to hear the outrageous DJ's who represented that attitude, and would deliver that attitude with a 100,000 watt signal right into our eager ears. Unfortunately, that attitude is now gone, and it's been replaced by a weak-ass, easy listening, Lite-FM, bland vanilla, neutered DJ delivery, that is about as compelling to listen to as the farmers morning hog report.

The corporate suits that run these rock giants would try and have us believe that nothing is wrong, that there is nothing going on. It's business as usual folks. Never mind the man behind the curtain Dorothy, we are still the great and powerful OZ. It's as if corporate management has tied strings to the lifeless body parts and is dangling them from their fingers like some heavy metal marionette, all the while trying to have us believe that it's still alive, it's just not talking right now. Let's keep those advertising dollars coming in, and maybe the listeners won't notice that the kitchen is closed. We've noticed.

It's a damn shame. There are so many talented radio personalities who would love nothing more than to grab hold of that microphone and throw out a huge dose of rock attitude like the heated exhaust blasting out of a souped up Harley Davidson. They want to do it, it's the very reason they got into radio in the first place, but they can't. Their hands are tied and they have been told to just take it. Like a bitch, they have been told to just sit there, smile, and take it. Do what your told Mr. DJ, and be thankful that you still got a job. Oh, and if you say something wrong that does get us in trouble with the FCC, not only will you be fired, but we'll sue you, and you can pay the excessive fines out of your own pocket. Yeah, that sounds great! What a deal!

Who then is responsible for cutting the balls off of rock radio? Uncle Sam is the man walking around with blood on his hands, and if he's the man, then Michael K. Powell, Chairman of the FCC and Overlord of the airwaves, was certainly his tool. You can see the hairy scrotum proudly mounted to a mahogany plaque above his desk, with a little brass plate underneath that reads, "Severed in the name of Jesus, in order to protect the little children". We can't honestly believe that GW or Michael "Slasher" Powell are the real brains behind this castration. They are just pawns being manipulated by the over moral minority. For the first time ever, any religious freak who knows how to fill out FCC Form 475 can bring a radio station to it's knees, and ultimately sensor the material that is broadcast over those airwaves, claiming that it is "obscene", and appeals to the prurient interest. (Prurient - material having a tendency to excite lustful thoughts)

Today the talented radio personalities have been forced to supplement the rock attitude with other mediocre forms of entertainment. Once aggressive and fun morning shows now sound like an extended audio versions of "Extra Extra" or E Entertainment, featuring fast paced interviews and commentary from today's hottest celebrities. If I hear one more lame ass phone poll, I think I might pull my ears off. I appreciate their creative attempts at filling this noticeable void, but in the end, an 18 to 54 year old male could really care less if it's boxers or briefs, or what it was really like to work with Jennifer Aniston.

So, tip up the bottle and drink your last sip of beer. Step on your cigarette and start heading towards the door. Let the roadies tear down the stage, because this show is over. Rock radio is dead, and I'm really pissed off about it.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2004-12-25T13:44:00.000-06:00

I would like to take a moment and wish all of my friends and fans a very Merry Christmas and and a very Happy New Year. It's been a great year for me, and The Bob Narley Show, and without the fantastic support of my crew and our listeners none of this would have been possible.

I truly feel that I am one of the luckiest people on this earth. My friends would tell you that it's because I was born Chicago Irish. While that may be true, that is not at all what I'm talking about. What I really mean is that I am lucky because I get to wake up every morning to a great job working with a talented crew of people who also love what they do.

Every day we receive emails from all over the world complimenting us on our work and telling us how it made them laugh or brightened up their day. I can't tell you how rewarding that is to all of us here on The Bob Narley Show. My extremely talented crew will spend countless hours helping to create the fantastic comedy audio that is available, and yet they almost never receive any money for it. They help to create these productions because it's what they like to do, they are proud of it, and they enjoy the fact that it has effected so many people in a such a positive way.

This year has brought many changes to my life and my show. I resigned from my job at Real Rock 92.5 and left the great state of Florida to move with my family back to my hometown outside Chicago Illinois. I started taking improv classes at the famous Second City where I have I have met many new friends and learned a whole new way of creating comedy. We started Podcasting the show, which has enabled us to reach thousands of new listeners from all over the world. This month, traffic to bobnarley.com has quadrupled last months traffic and continues to grow exponentially. I have taken some big chances and luckily they have all paid off.

We have a lot planned for the next year and I'm excited about the possibilities that it will bring. I will be continuing my classes at Second City and I have invited some of my friends there to join me in the studio to see what we can dream up. The success of the first Podcast hasn't gone un-noticed, and next year we will make it longer and better, and even more fun. The studio here is getting a new make over and with the new equipment will come even more parody songs and comedy bits. Chicago is a great place for radio and I plan on being a part of it in 2005.

I would like to say thank you to all the people who have given so much to my family and the show over the last year:

A special thanks to all my friends and co-workers in SW Florida, who opened up their homes and their lives over the last 3 years, and contributed so much to the work we did while we were there.

To The Bob Narley Show Freaks. You guys are crazy, and I love that about you. Thanks.

To my band and road crew, you guys rock! I feel so blessed to have such a talented and fun group of people help bring the comedy to the live stage. Our shows are never easy, and something always seems to go wrong, but I guess that's what makes it so fun. You guys rock, thanks!

To my family, who put up with all the craziness that surrounds my life. Thank you for your trust, and for your incredible support. I couldn't have done any of it without you. I love you all very much.

To our listeners, the freaks and the geeks. On behalf of all of us here at The Bob Narley Show, thanks for listening, thanks for your support, and thanks for all of the great feedback! You guys rock and we appreciate your taking the time to listen to our work!

Thanks to all of you for making 2004 such a great year. I hope that 2005 brings both you and your families great success and happiness.

Peace,

Bob NarleyDecember 23, 2004

Christmas Comedy Songs

Free MP3 Comedy and Parody Songs

IPOD's and Portable MP3 Players Sold Out!

2004-12-16T23:45:00.000-06:00

It's all over the news today, IPOD's and other portable MP3 players are sold out at Walmart Stores, Amazon.com, and many other popular retailers and e-tailers.

This news only solidifies my belief that "On Demand" audio is the wave of the future. Every single one of those consumers is now a potential listener to my Podcast, or any Podcast.

At the time of this post, over 2100 people have downloaded and listened to my first Podcast. Traffic to my comedy mp3 website at http://www.bobnarley.com has already doubled last months total traffic, and we are only half way through this month.

I think it's time to do another Podcast.

Dimebag Darrell Abbott 1966-2004

2004-12-15T22:17:00.000-06:00

I was blown away when I heard the news about the passing of "Dimebag" on December 8th. He was truly a great guitar player and musician who's style inspired a generation of metal heads such as myself.

To his tribute I will say this; The night he was murdered, he was up on stage in a small nightclub in Ohio, his guitar in his hands, playing his heart out to approximately 250 people. A lot of bands would have passed on that gig, a lot of musicians would have scoffed at the idea. Not Damage Plan, not Dimebag. Whether he was playing to an arena full of freaks or to a small crowd of eager Metalheads in an obscure Ohio nightclub, Dimebag would always give it his all. He owned the guitar. He could make it crunch, and thunder, and scream. He played the music for the fans. He loved it, and we loved him for it. Hell, I don't know a single guitarist that hasn't borrowed a lick from the man. And while it's true that the music he created will continue to inspire future generations, his presence in this world will be sorely missed.

My sincerest sympathies to the family and friends of Darrell Abbott and the other victims of this horrible tragedy; Damageplan bodyguard Jeff Thompson, 40; fan Nathan Bray, 23; and Erin Halk, 29, who worked at the club.

"Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, 1966-2004
He was seriously fu**ing Metal!

Podcast Results

2004-12-14T09:54:00.000-06:00

The first official Podcast of The Bob Narley Show was released on December 3rd. As of today, over 1,800 people from all over the world downloaded and listened to the show. It was great to receive emails from new listeners who enjoyed the material. The response to the show was fantastic.

While I do realize that only 1,800 listeners to the show is not a huge number by broadcast standards, I can't help but feel that it is a great start to an unpublicized show delivered via new technology. To promote the feed I have submitted the RSS location to several directories and websites that review Podcast feeds for their index.

So far, the greatest benefit achieved from the Podcast has been the substantial increase in traffic to my comedy mp3 website, http://www.bobnarley.com. Traffic to my website has been growing steadily since the total rebuild, and has even doubled since October, however there was a noticeable jump in activity directly after the release of the Podcast. December traffic has already passed November, and if it continues should easily double the statistics.

With the increase in traffic came better affiliate advertising. The Bob Narley website now has new affiliate advertising deals with some major players including; Sirius, Musicians Friend, and Napster. As the traffic increases so do the affiliate dollars, however as the traffic increases so do the hosting costs. The good news is that the website's affiliate advertising dollars already make the website profitable. The Podcast just took it to another level.

Truth is, I would do the Podcast even if it didn't impact website traffic. I can't help but believe that "On Demand" is the future to media distribution, especially audio distribution, and that while streaming media has it's place, it's limited.

The next Podcast of The Bob Narley Show will have a few surprises. I have invited some of my classmates from Second City to join me in the studio and I had several requests from old listeners to do Torture Tuesday. I'm also working on a new Christmas Song that would never be allowed air time on radio. My goal is to increase the show time up to 30 minutes, of quality original content.

With any luck, the next show should launch later this week.

Second City

2004-12-08T09:54:00.000-06:00

Last night I completed my first level of classes at the famous Second City here in Chicago. The whole experience has been just fantastic! I can't wait for the next level to begin in January.

Many of the basic improvisational ideas and skills that they have taught us so far totally apply to radio, especially ensemble shows and the creative process. After listening to many of the radio shows out on the air waves today, I can't help but feel that most of these guys could really benefit from some of this basic instruction.

One of the most important things we were taught was the idea of "Yes, and". Basically this means that you agree to what is going on, and add something to it. This keep the flow moving, in the right direction, without derailing it.

Another perfect example of Second City instruction and how it would help radio is the idea of surrendering what you think is, or might be, a better idea, to instead be a part of, and contribute to, what is actually going on at the time. How many times have you heard a DJ simply not contribute to a discussion, or worse, change the subject just because he didn't like the topic at hand or thought he had a better idea on where it should go? One of my pet peeves is when you hear a radio guy just agree with a discussion and not add anything to it.. "A ha" "yup".. "fo sure".

I'm totally enjoying the whole experience of being a student at Second City. Just being in the building and around all the creative energy can give you so much motivation. It's easy to see why Second City is THE place for learning Improv.

for more information on Second City you can visit their website at: http://www.secondcity.com

You know you got em, or.. It must suck to be Bob Garrett

2004-12-05T15:20:00.000-06:00

Thousands of people have written me emails (bob@bobnarley.com) thanking me for making them laugh, or keeping them informed on important topics that nobody else was covering. I find it very rewarding when I hear that my comedy has impacted somebody's live in a positive way. It's the reason I do radio.

On the other hand, I have also been sent emails from people who hate what I do. They tend to rant and rave, saying the rudest things, that they would never say to you in person. We call these people Flamers, they hide behind the cloak of the Internet and pretend to be bad asses. I suppose that the more people your show reaches every day, the more this will happen. It is inevitable.

Some dj's have a very hard time allowing Flamers comments to pass through them, and seem to take the negative comments personal. Sometimes this can effect their show, and that is one thing should never be allowed to happen. I do not have this problem. To me, Flamers are a sign that your show works, that it is reaching a wide audience, and if nothing else, it's effecting them enough for them to take the time to write and tell you how you made them feel. To a shock jock, this is the best thing that could happen, it means your right on target. Even though I'm not a shock jock my any means, I still enjoy the fact that I have had this effect on somebody.

Today, I received a Flamers email, not from an old listener, but from a DJ that worked at the competing rock station, WJBX in Fort Myers. His name is Bob Garrett.

Even though I left Real Rock 92.5 over 3 months ago, it seems that this moron still can't get me out of his head... And Man, I love that! I receive nasty Flaming emails from him about once a month, with very colorful wording.

It should be noted that he never said one word to me in person during the whole 3 years I was working in Fort Myers. Imagine that?

It should also be stated for the record that Bob Garrett and his partner had picked a fight on the air with me a year or so ago, only after they thought I had been fired. O man, they talked some serious smack that morning, only to find out that I had only been moved to afternoons. They started an on air war that day, and it back fired for them big time. You see, all the talk they did about me on their station in the morning sent their listeners to me in the afternoon. It was beautifull.

You can hear a song I wrote about them on my website, it's called "The Three Dollar Bill Boys".
Here is a link to: The Three Dollar Bill Boys
More can be found at http://www.bobnarley.com

Here is the most recent email that Bob Garrett wrote me. I believe he must have written it after he saw a post on my website informing my fans that I had turned down my first off air gig offer in Chicago.

As my father use to say, "if they're not talking shit about you, you're doing something wrong"

-----Original Message-----
From: Bob Garrett [mailto:garrett99x@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 3:25 PM
To: bob@bobnarley.com
Subject: Eat Shit, Fucker

Hey Douche:You have no gig! What a fucking surprise!!! Your big fucking mouth having trouble talking your no talent ass into a job somewhere?You can come back here and I'll pay you 5 bucks an hour to hold my phlegm bucket while I'm on the air. I'll even make you part of the show.Your new name will be "Out-of-Gas Bitch", and you can be the guy on the show that yells out "Faggot... Pussy" over and over again, 'cuz as we both know, that is SOME REAL FUNNY SHIT!!!!!!
Anyway, thanks for your time.
Miss you.

Bob Garrett
Safety First!

Man, it must suck to be him, to be so upset with somebody for so long, even after they are 1600 miles away.

I hope one day, every DJ has this same effect on your competition. That's how you know you got them right where you want them.

I miss you too Mr. Garrett! :)

PODCASTING AND THE FUTURE OF ON DEMAND AUDIO

2004-11-13T23:08:00.000-06:00

Have you heard of PODCASTING?

Here is a great way to expose your comedy audio to millions of listeners.

PODCASTING takes advantage of RSS feeds on the internet. These RSS feeds allow the millions of IPOD user to automatically download your mp3 files the minute that they become available.

There is a ton of information available on podcasting, just do a search for it.

I will be posting a new podcast on my comedy website at BobNarley.com

mp3 download

Web Site Hosting

Web Site Design

Web Site Marketing

http://www.bobnarley.com deleted?!?

2004-10-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

In an effort to expand my comedic powers, I have enrolled in one of the greatest schools for improvisation, Second City. The classes have been awesome and I have totally been enjoying talking with the other students. Being that I'm 38 years old, until November 19th, I thought I would be the oldest student in the class, but I'm not. In fact, 3 other students are older than I am. If you ever looking to take a class in Improvisation, I highly recomend Second City.

My website at http://www.bobnarley.com contains a huge selection of Free downloadable mp3's, and has been a huge success for marketing my material worldwide. Every month the traffic to my website has increased. It made sense that I should allow some affiliate marketing on the site to increase my monthly revenue.

Then tragedy struck.

The day I was adding the affiliate links to the website, Microsoft Frontpage 2003 glitched, and erased every piece of code, on over 180 pages of my website, in between body tags.

This was a huge setback, and it get's worse. The google spider came in when the pages were blank, and removed many of my top listings in their directory.

Comedy audio, two steps forward, 3 steps back. I have decided to rebuild the entire website from scratch. At least all the audio is still in tact, and the photo's, but rewriting the bio's is going to suck.

Lesson learned: always have a current backup of your website. 2. never trust Microsoft Frontpage 2003.

Let's get it started

2004-10-11T15:15:00.000-05:00

My first blog post. It sounds like something that needs to get removed by a specialist. Hey doc, can you please remove this Blog post, it's starting to burn when I walk? Seriously, is that the only name they could come up with or what?

I'm a comedy audio producer who has worked in the broadcast industry for well over 13 years now. My comedy production have been heard by millions of people all over the world, yet I still can barely afford my Harley Davidson payment every month. I have been lucky enough to make a career out of this gig, and have enjoyed all the up's and down's that go along with it. I have created well over 1900 comedy productions, parody songs, original comedy songs, parody commercials, and voice overs. Anybody thinking that this industry is a good idea should be subject to an immediate lobotomy.

I'm going to post information about my progress in this crazy career, as well as some insight into the creative process, all in the hope that I might read it again at a later date and realize that it's time to get a real job.

If you would like to see examples of my comedy audio, feel free to visit my website at http://www.bobnarley.com

Now it's time for me to get started on my new demo.