The Dumb Ass Bastards at the CRIA!

Do you know who the CRIA is?

Yeah, well, neither did I until I received the most unbelievable email complaint from them just the other day. As I’m sure you have already guessed, they pissed me off big time, and for good reason. They are truly an organization of Dumb Asses and I can prove it.

CRIA stands for "The Canadian Recording Industry Association". They are exactly like the organization that many of us American’s are very familiar with, known as the RIAA, or “Recording Industry Association of America”. These are the same jack ass mother fuckers who are suing 12 year old girls for downloading mp3 files into their computer. Nice people huh? Well, their counterparts from above the boarder are exactly the same, only more ignorant. Here is why.

I am going to post the email that I received from them at the bottom of this Blog entry. I will post it in its entirety so that you can truly appreciate the ignorance that oozes from their feeble little minds. O no, I hope I’m not offending them. Eek.. ooo. What will they do?

For now, let me describe the situation.

As many of you know, I’ve been a radio personality for more than 15 years now, with a hell of a library of original comedy productions that have been played all over the world. This library consists of parody songs, comedy songs, parody commercials, and comedy bits, all written and performed by myself and my friends, and recorded by me in my own private production facility located here at the Narley Manor. I offer all of my comedy productions for FREE download on my website at http://www.bobnarley.com/, as is my right to do so.

It’s important to note that I do not belong to the RIAA, or BMI, or ASCAP, or any other organization or publishing company that helps fill the pockets of major corporations and record companies and rips off the little known and starving musicians who exist on the fringe. I have no desire to belong to them, and trust me when I tell you that they have no desire for me to belong to them. I’m the anti-corporate musician. I’m the rock that fouled the cog in their machine. I offer my stuff for FREE. Ewwwwwwwww they hate that. Right Lars?

Back to the email.

It seems that the geniuses at the CRIA have developed some software that is very much like a search engine spider, in that it will go into a website seeking to find mp3 files, then electronically try to match them to the library of songs that they represent. Now, I’m assuming this because the alternative is that they have retarded kids trying to identify mp3 files.

This spider went into my website and tried to identify the large library of FREE mp3 files that I offer and compare it to their library. Remember, that because they believe they represent 90% of all recordings, that the songs must be theirs. Right? Yeah right.

Well, this software, or spider, identified all of my recordings, and even some html web pages, as being songs by other bands. They then sent an email to my server, which is hosted in Canada, claiming that I am a copyright thief and that I must remove these files from their server or they will sue them and me.

Needless to say, my server company freaked out! And sent me a nasty email, with their original attached, telling me to remove the files or else.. (cue scary music)

Now imagine yourself as me, and you suddenly get a threatening email from 2 companies claiming that your original productions belong to somebody else, and that if you don’t remove them your going to get sued. I was pissed! How could this happen?

The best part is what they identified my songs as, and who they think their by. Not to mention that they think some of my HTML web pages are actually mp3 songs by other people.. Now that is really funny. In fact, they identify several different songs of mine as being the same song by some other artists. Now that is real genius. It’s very obvious that a human did not check this out, because all you would have to do is listen and you would know this was an obvious mistake.

For example, and remember the email is below with the full list for you to enjoy.


The CRIA thought my original comedy song “Snaggle Snatch Crotch Rot” was actually the arists known as “The Band” and the song “The Well”. Here is the excerpt.
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v
>- Snaggle Snatch Crotch Rot.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v -
>Snaggle Snatch
>Crotch Rot.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 13:43:38
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL

Notice that my file even has the name of my song listed in the file name, yet these jack asses seem to think my song, is some song done by “The Band” back in the 60’s. Do you remember ‘The band”, they did “Up on Cripple Creek”.

Let’s compare lyrics.

The Band – The Well
I took my bucket down to the wellThere's a (desert?) woman, sweet mysteryShe let the rope fall down in the wellLike it was meant to be
O.k., Now here are my Lyrics, to my song “snaggle snatch crotch rot”You can listen to it yourself here: http://www.bobnarley.com/improvisation/snagle_snatch_crotch_rot.htm

This is a song, about what you got
A souvenir from that girl you just popped
She looked real hot, she looked real clean
But an evil lurked inside those blue jeans

Someone should erect a sign to beware
Of the nasty virus that lives down there
A green slimy trail runs down to her knees
and smells like a pile, of liver and cheese

Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot
Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot
Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot
Snagle Snatch Crotch Rot Rot Rot Rot.. oh
(end)


So, I’m sure Robbie Robertson would agree, THIS IS NOT THEIR FUCING SONG!
Any asshole would only have to listen to 5 seconds of it to realize the error, but of course the CRIA is way to lazy to do that, and instead just goes ahead and fires their guns across my broadside. FUCK THE CRIA.

How about another example.

Here the CRIA seems to think that my song “Sweet Delicious Beer” written and performed live by me at the Real Rock studios in 2003, is actually “The Sweet” doing their famous song “Action”, written in the 70’s. WHA?!

>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Sweet Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Sweet
>Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:03:08
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION

Let’s compare lyrics.

The Sweet – Action
So you think you'll take another piece of me To satisfy your intellectual need Do you want, do you want Action, action, action, action Gonna bring you down 'Cause you've been pushing me You've got to recognise my superiority

O.k…. Now my Lyrics

Bob Narley – Sweet Delicious Beer Listen for yourself.http://www.bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy%20songs/Bob%20Narley%20-%20The%20Mighty%20V%20-%20Sweet%20Delicious%20Beer%20-%20Not%20for%20Broadcast.mp3

Sweet Delicious Beer
How I wish I wish I had some
Sweet Delicious Beer
And Britney Spears Read
Pull up a frosty Mug
Then I’ll chug a lug
Give Britney a hug
Shave her martin’s rug…….


Hmmm. Well.. I think I’m making my point.. what do you think?

Listen, I don’t have anything against these artists, or their right to not have other people distribute their recording via the internet. However, I do have a BIG PROBLEM with the CRIA falsely accusing me of distributing their songs.

The CRIA has falsely accused me of a felony, and did not even bother to check it out before causing so much trouble that it has taken me weeks to deal with and it’s still not done. The damage that they have done is clear! The problems that they have caused are obvious. I stand by my proof and challenge anybody to prove otherwise.

I have written my server company, the ISP, and the CRIAA! I proved my point just as I proved it here, and challenged both of them to do otherwise, threatening them to either prove otherwise or retract their accusations in writing! Needless to say, I haven’t heard back from the CRIA since. I guess they think they can just fuck with me and walk away. Hey CRIA, Guess What? You have Guessed Wrong!

Today they fucked with the wrong man. I don’t take shit from anyone, and especially a bunch of corporate jackasses who don’t have the brains that god gave a piss ant.

O, I plan on informing everybody about this injustice, and I won’t stop. I feel bad for the other guys who don’t have the balls to stand up to this organization and are also the unfortunate victims of their automated abuse system.

As promised I have posted the original email below. I have deleted some of the contact information to protect innocent 3rd parties; otherwise it is in its entirety. My favorite part is where they point out the HTML web pages are actually songs by other artists. I also love how they claim that completely different songs of mine are actually the same song by another artist. Brilliant work guys!

Here is the email.

>ATTENTION:
>
>Dear Sir/Madam:
>
>The Canadian Recording Industry Association (CRIA) is an association of
>record companies operating in Canada. CRIA member record companies own
>or hold the exclusive copyright interest in excess of 90% of all sound
>recordings manufactured, distributed and sold in Canada. A
>list of CRIA
>member record companies will be forwarded to you upon request.
>
>We have evidence that the site, bobnarley.com, which is hosted on your
>server, makes available for downloading and unauthorized reproduction
>certain sound recordings in which the copyright is owned or exclusively
>licensed by one or more CRIA member record companies. This site was
>accessed on 29-Apr-2005 15:51:12 GMT. Unauthorized copies of our
>members' sound recordings that are available on the site hosted by your
>server causes
>irreparable damage to the record companies and their recording artists.
>
>The following list of files were found on the site:
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /
>Timestamp: 21-Apr-2005 22:58:40
>Artist / Track: M.A.P. / G.O.D.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/index.html
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /index.html
>Timestamp: 26-Apr-2005 06:05:37
>Artist / Track: M.A.P. / G.O.D.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/bob_narleys_commercials.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/bob_narleys_commercials.htm
>Timestamp: 26-Apr-2005 06:10:23
>Artist / Track: N/A / N/A
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - The Shocker - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - The
>Shocker - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 13:55:02
>Artist / Track: SILKK THE SHOCKER / SHOCKER
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/3dollarbillboys.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/3dollarbillboys.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:51:12
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Bitch Sister - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Bitch
>Sister - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:39:36
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Catahoola with No Chickenbag - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Catahoola
>with No Chickenbag - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:17:40
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Cleatus the Featus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Cleatus the
>Featus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 15:10:38
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Clulex Nigra Palpus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Clulex
>Nigra Palpus - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:58:41
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Die Snowbirds Die - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Die
>Snowbirds Die - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:51:17
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - God Damn It Jesus Fn Christ - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- God Damn It
>Jesus Fn Christ - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 26-Apr-2005 06:12:46
>Artist / Track: M.A.P. / G.O.D.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Rectum on the Rocks - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Rectum on
>the Rocks - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:24:56
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Slapped in the Face with a Weenie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Slapped in
>the Face with a Weenie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:21:37
>Artist / Track: ARNOLD / FACE
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Slumber Action Jackson - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V
>- Slumber
>Action Jackson - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:17:42
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Stinky Pinky Pie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Stinky
>Pinky Pie - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:11:48
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley
>- The Mighty
>V - Sweet Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/Bob Narley - The Mighty V - Sweet
>Delicious Beer - Not for Broadcast.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 14:03:08
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v
>- Snaggle Snatch Crotch Rot.mp3
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/comedy songs/comedy the mighty v -
>Snaggle Snatch
>Crotch Rot.mp3
>Timestamp: 29-Apr-2005 13:43:38
>Artist / Track: BAND / THE WELL
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: SWEET / ACTION
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.
>
>URL: http://bobnarley.com/mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Host: bobnarley.com (198.53.70.2)
>Document: /mp3_download/the_mighty_v_songs.htm
>Timestamp: 27-Apr-2005 06:31:23
>Artist / Track: GREEN / B.I.T.C.H.

Second City: The First Review

The old saying “It will all come together at show time” seems to have rung true once again.

The show, or as Second City called it “Demonstration”, went great! I really couldn’t have been more proud of all the classes that I saw today, including my own. Everybody did a really great job, even for 11:30 a.m.

The day started out with most of my classmates and me hanging out in the Main Stage bar. You enter the Second City Main Stage via an entrance on Wells. The downstairs lobby is almost empty with a small glass counter filled with books and T-Shirts. The walls are natural brick covered with photographs and posters. A black metal stairway leads you up to the second floor and The Main Stage Bar.

The Main Stage Bar area is also small with an old wooden bar stretching for about 15 feet. The walls are covered with black and white pictures of previous Second City Alumni on stage and performing. It’s amazing to see some of these now well known and respected personalities captured in their youth during various silly sketches. Behind the bar are larger poster sized photos of some of the more famous Second City Alumni. As you can imagine, most of us were pretty excited and the anticipation was easily read on all of our faces.

3 Level C classes all performed today, with Level D’s and E shows happening later in the day. Many of the students brought family and friends, and once inside the theater not a single seat was left empty. I was surprised to see so many people at the event. My guess was that there would be 8 people all scattered throughout the room, similar to a Tuesday open mic night at the corner tavern, coughing amidst long silent pauses. Such was not the case, as around 300 seats were filled with encouraging smiles.

My class was scheduled third, leaving us the daunting task of standing up to the first classes’ performances. As expected, the first two classes really did a great job, setting the bar high for our turn.

We headed back through the kitchen during the ending of the 2nd classes final game. I was quick to joke that most great careers start in the kitchen, and several of my classmates agreed. We paused in the kitchen amongst the stainless silver work spaces and various plastic crates filled with old water goblets and beer glasses. A man, who’s name I can’t remember, dark bushy hair and an overgrown Go-T, introduced himself as our acting stage manager and began his generic speech about respecting the backstage area and various props that we might find. He then led us into adjoining backstage area.

Backstage at Second City is tiny and reminiscent of an untidy dorm room. The smells of the kitchen fill the area along with some smoke from the main room. The walls are painted a flat blue and actors have written odd quotes and expressions in large permanent marker in the more open areas. A very small round table is against the wall, two small folding chairs along side of it, with some bobby pins and an ashtray on top. Promotional photographs are thumb tacked into the available wood and it’s easy to see that this place is proud of its history. My 12 classmates gathered into the crowded room and awaited our final instructions.

2 minutes until show time. We can hear the final game echo from the main stage as our host instructs us on the entrance and exit areas that we will use for our turn. Everybody is very excited. They look at our host eyes with great intent, but don't hear a thing he is saying. Nick, the tallest in the class remarks for a “Sweat Check” as he wipes a handkerchief upon his brow, double checking in the old wooden mirror that hangs near by. Several of us followed his suggestion as we walked up the small wooden steps to the stage and our first performance.

I walked out of the dark and into the bright lights of the Second City Main Stage. The stage is shorter than you might think. 3 fake doorways with red velvet curtains line the backdrop. 2 rows of stairs line the entire width of the stage and make for an excellent place for us to stand and await our introductions. You can see the people in the first 3 rows, everyone past that point is just washed out in the spotlights. We begin our show.

Looking back at the first performance its easy to understand why The Second City has such a proud history in Chicago. The teachers are passionate and their methods sound. With only 6 months of training each and every student performed well and entertained the audience. It’s not an easy thing to walk up on stage without a script or set list and entertain 300 people, but thanks to the excellent work of the faculty and the hard passionate work of the students, it worked.

I can’t wait to do it again.

Second City: The First Show

Today is my first show on the Second City stage, and while I’m pretty excited about getting up there I must admit that doing a show at 11:30 am is not exactly Prime Time.
True, it will be a great experience and I’m looking forward to performing with my class, it’s really not that big of a deal since we are all about as rookie as you can get.

So, at 11:300 am, on a beautiful Sunday morning, my level C class will hit the stage ready to rock out our family and friends as we perform our hearts out for a whopping 17 minutes of original improvisation.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of very creative and talented people in my class and I have complete faith that the show will turn out even better than I expect, shows always do. Many of the students have improved considerably since our first level and I have found it interesting to watch them progress. I’m sure that the audience will get a chuckle or three before it’s all over. Lord knows nothing is funnier than improvisation at 11:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

The truth is this; we are all just level C. It’s our first show doing Second City style improvisation in front of a live audience, and while I have had years of experience performing live many of these students have never had the chance. Not that my experience will help me at all, we are all the classic rookies shooting from the hip.

It should make for some good stories. I’ll be sure to post the results as soon as I’m done.

Wish us luck!